Five Batshit Things You Never Knew About Doctor Who

Consider yourself an expert on all matters Gallifreyan? Take a look at these barely credible 'facts of Who-bris'.

Prime-8

When plans were afoot to bring back the malevolent Master during Tom Baker's run, the popularity of the Doctor's robotic companion K-9 prompted the BBC to draw up designs for the villain's own metallic 'pet'! Prime-8 was intended to be 'a sinister robot gorilla, capable of menacing the Doctor and his companions or guarding the Master while he carries out his evil plans'.

A prototype radio-controlled Prime-8 was built but proved too bulky and 'bloody silly-looking' according to one insider, so the idea was shelved. Prime-8 was later sold off to ITV, where he finally made it on to our television screens as Metal Mickey.

Raston McCoy

Like many Who regulars, Sylvester McCoy actually had a small cameo part in an earlier story before securing the role of the Seventh Doctor. In his case, it was the dialogueless but crucial role of the deadly Raston Warrior Robot in The Five Doctors, where McCoy's slender, athletic frame was put to good use, jumping around a quarry and shooting spikes into Cybermen.

The former O-Man Big off of Jigsaw is said to have clinched the part of the Raston, ahead of Wayne Sleep and the man who played Mr Claypole in Rentaghost, by turning up to the audition already clad in his own silver leotard.

Van Der Who?

The Doctor Who team had to act quickly when Jon Pertwee fell victim to a nasty skin rash during the filming of The Curse of Peladon; the infection subsequently attributed to the 'manky old fur coats' that had been used to create the beast Aggedor. With a tight shooting schedule but no Doctor, they scrambled to work around his absence, ultimately resorting to recasting him with lookalike actor Barry 'Van Der Valk' Foster.

Despite Foster's physical resemblance to Pertwee and eagerness to embrace the physical requirements of the role, BBC executives were uneasy with the hastily rewritten script of The Sea Devils, in which the Doctor declares to Jo Grant that a chance neutron discharge from the TARDIS console has caused his facial molecules to 'temporarily freak out', and instead chose to wait until Pertwee was well enough to continue in the role. Unaired footage of the infamous Foster episode of The Sea Devils has never been seen by the public.

The Bill Makers

Staying true to Doctor Who's original historical/educational remit, this First Doctor story was to have landed William Hartnell's timelord and companions Ben and Polly at the court of William III and Mary II of England in the last years of the 17th century.

The main plotline would involve the Doctor being mistaken for a leading Whig pushing to ratify the Bill of Rights, while Ben and Polly would become bound up in the drafting of the Stamp Duty laws and founding of the Bank of England respectively. Produce Verity Lambert took one look at the script, declared it to be 'even duller than Marco Polo', and ordered that it be replaced by 'something with space people'.

Nativity of the Daleks

Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy writer Douglas Adams famously contributed three stories to Doctor Who: The Pirate Planet, City of Death and Shada, the final remaining incomplete due to industrial action. But rumours persist of a secret cache of unseen scripts from the great man, hidden somewhere in Britain but locatable by studying certain hidden clues in his published Who works.

Among them is said to be Nativity of the Daleks, a Christmas-themed story in which the Doctor discovers his perennial nemeses using Skaro's Book of Exterminus to meddle with Earth history in first century Galilee. Having engineered the creation of Dalek Jesus, His Holiness Pope Davros revels in triumph but his plan is ultimately undone when the Doctor travels back in time and bombards the Three Wise Daleks with the reverse-polarity chords he has inserted into Slade's Merry Xmas Everybody.

Screen Dumps

In which the Ocelot burbles on about telly and fillums.

The Danger Mouse Paradox

He's terrific.

And another thing, right? Danger Mouse. So we were watching a couple of episodes late last night, and DM and Penfold are hopping off and on the Orient Express and nosing around galleries in Venice. Despite being a (dangerous) mouse and a (frankly useless) hamster, they're clearly of roughly human adult size, or at worst child size.

But, but, they live in a frickin' postbox! Not crammed inside like a couple of mummies spooning in a sarcophagus, but like it's a big red penthouse! And when they fly out in their car on a mission, they leave via a secret exit in the bloody kerbstone! They are clearly actual rodent size at that point, but by the time they arrive at the mission target, they've grown by a factor of 8. What gives? I can only conclude that DM's flying car is also equipped with size-changing Pym Particles - a reference that only a small fraction of the population understands right now (until July 17th).

So assuming that DM and Penfold have access to size-changing technology en route, what does that mean for Baron Greenback, Stiletto and the rest of the villains? We never see them in the postbox, only in the outside world, where they're all human-sized too. Do they shrink and grow, or are they always big? Is Greenback sometimes toad-sized and sometimes human sized? What about Nero, whatever the Cosgrove-Hall he is?

It's this sort of shoddy writing that destroys any willing suspension of disbelief in the greatest secret agent in the world being a one-eyed mouse in a matching turtle neck (or possibly he just has a distressing band of goitres).

Also, even though the eyepatch only conceals his (presumably horrific) blind eye, there's no eyebrow above the patch. Was it burnt off in whatever traumatic incident destroyed his eyeball? Or does he simply shave it off so it doesn't get tangled up in the patch's string?

Next: Why it's always better to be in a team of two in Blockbusters.

Game of Tardisses

I understand that Ahyah Stark is guest-starring in the next series of Dr Who. 

Here's hoping for more Game of Thrones cameos. Personally I'd like to see the Hound turning up with a chainsword and going Dee-Kay, and Ser Jorah dragging along behind the Doctor, helpfully explaining the local customs of every fricking place they go to.

Han Solo Prequel

"That must be your mama's land-speeder!"

Let the crying out of millions of voices commence.

I very much hope that this Solo solo will give us an insecure teen Han, possibly with a stammer and poor blaster skills. Chewie could have lank fur hanging down over his eyes and an ironic bandolier worn backwards. Also Lando with a Kid'n'Play hi-top fade.

Let the crying out of millions of voices commence.

I've just thought - they could do the entire prequel using footage of Harrison Ford from pre-Star Wars films. All they'd have to do is crop him out of American Graffiti and stick him in a souped-up black hot-pod, hassling other drivers on a Saturday night.

SFX: Now celebrating 20 years of
a tedious SEX gag on the cover

The Bland From UNCLE

Promo shot from the new Man from UNCLE, courtesy of SFX mag.
I hate to pre-judge (who am I kidding - I love it), but don't this pair look like the blandest possible casting choice? Armie Hammer especially looks like he's been given a Fassbender-as-Prometheus-droid makeunder.
I have already recast this film in my head with Jon Hamm and Aaron Paul and find it much more to my liking.

NorrrrELLevision

Much as I find many elements of the TV adaptation of Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell irritating (far too many Johns, preposterous Metaluna fairy, long-windedness, horrible orange-and-teal colour tint, Paul Kaye's off-the-peg mystic tramp, the dull, dull Stephen), I cannot get enough of fruity Mr Drawlight rolling his mouth around "Mister NorrrrELL".

I quite like Childermass too, for all his geezery scowling.

And the actual big-ass magical effects are cool, 'specially the sandhorses and the rainships. And Bigby's Giant Muddy Hand.

Oh, and "Do you wish to be shot? Then behave differently" was good too.

Pitch of the Day

Been thinking up movie titles today.

Sweet Christmas!

The best one so far is The Moomin Centipede.

I thank you.

Cage Match

I'm probably far from the first person to say it, but man, Terry Crews would have been perfect to play Luke Cage. A bit too old now, unforch.
I'm sure Mike Colter'll be alright, but Terry Crews is Cage to his toes.