CB TV

There was a little frisson of social media activity a few months ago about a possible Captain Britain TV series in production. For those of you who don't know who he is, imagine Captain America but make him British. And take away his shield, and make him fly. And a bit magic. And drawn by Alan Davis, no, not Alan Davies, Alan Davis.

Needless to say I got a little excited by the rumours, but also exceedingly worried that they would Get The Casting All Wrong And Ruin It. This is because I am exactly that sort of obsessive super-fan.

So to cushion the possible blow of disappointment, if and when the show actually gets made, I've spent far too long racking my brains and rifling through IMDB to create my own best possible cast for my favourite Marvel superhero. That way I can just pretend that in some alternate world (possibly Earth-238) my far superior version of Captain Britain: the TV show exists and is a total hit.

I had a couple of soft rules for casting:

1. The actor has to be an actual real live actor of the correct age. None of that 'Hey, Cary Grant would have been perfect to play Hurricane!' nonsense.
2. The actor can't be a massive movie star, since this is a TV show. So no Tom Cruises as Inspector Dais Thomas. Although I've broken my own rule a bit for the good Captain himself, coz I'm allowed.

Tom Hardy as Captain Britain / Brian Braddock

Once upon a time I'd have chosen Rupert Penry-Jones from Spooks, but right now I think Mr Hardy would be just spot on. He has the build and the acting skills (hammy old Bane notwithstanding) to play the buff but troubled hero Brian Braddock. Failing that, I'd go for Bradley James - Arthur from the BBC's Merlin.

Natalie Dormer as Betsy Braddock

To be honest, I wanted to cast Natalie Dormer as Roma or Meggan too, but decided she'd be great as Brian's plucky twin sister, telepath and occasional CB stand-in.

Kate Bracken as Meggan

Casting a shapeshifting, faery/traveller/childwoman was a tricky one. Arguably Myanna Buring (Ripper Street) would have been great in the role of Brian's lady love, but perhaps a little too grown up, so I've gone for the fresher faced Kate Bracken (Misfits and Being Human).

Tom Wlaschiha as Merlyn

Watching the last series of Game of Thrones, it struck me that the curiously unearthly Jaqen H'ghar actor would be just right for the CB incarnation of the smooth, ageless, manipulative Merlyn.

Stephanie Hyam as Roma

Up until I saw the recent Jekyll & Hyde series on ITV, I had Montserrat Lombard (Ashes to Ashes) down as Merlin's regal daughter, but after seeing Stephanie Hyam as Lily, I think she has the exact combination of classiness and bone structure for the role.

David Tennant as Jamie Braddock

Brian's older brother is a tricky one to cast. In the comics he starts off as something of a cypher, then becomes a human-trafficking bastard, then a super-powered nutbag and lately a goodish guy again. Who could possibly fulfil the varying characterisations? After seeing former timelord David Tennant as the charming creep Kilgrave in Jessica Jones, he's the ideal choice.

Owen Teale as Dai Thomas

The erstwhile Ser Alliser Thorne (Game of Thrones) simply is the irascible Scotland Yard detective. And he's proper Welsh too.

Riz Ahmed as Slaymaster

This was one of the hardest roles for me to cast, but Riz Ahmed's magnetic role as proto-jihadi Omar in Four Lions shows he has the intensity to portray the master assassin. Failing that, the excellent Kayvan Novak (SunTrap and Four Lions) has both the build and mimicry skills to pull it off. 

Karen Gillan as Captain UK

Linda McQuillan, Brian's alternate-Earth counterpart, is an important part of a classic plotline in the comics, so getting someone who can play both tough and damaged is important. And what would a fantasy cast be without a liberal sprinkling of Doctor Who alumni?

Myanna Buring as Saturnyne

As the seductive, short-tempered, utterly pragmatic omniversal majestrix, Saturnyne requires an actor with class, poise and backbone. Myanna Buring (Ripper Street) can play all of those, and she has amazing cheekbones too.

Linda Henry as Vixen

I went through an awful lot of mature British actresses trying to find someone who can carry off the hard-nosed, domineering crimelord, working through every Linda La Plante series and thirty years of soap operas before settling on Eastenders' Linda Henry. Failing that, Letitia Dean.

Enzo Cilenti as Mad Jim Jaspers

I first saw him as the Poldarky manservant Childermass in Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell, but it was his appearance as the razor sharp, moustachioed Captain Dance in Jekyll & Hyde that showed me how good Enzo Cilenti could be as the insane, reality-warping mega villain Mad Jim. Failing that, the ever-reliable Reece Shearsmith.

Five Batshit Things You Never Knew About Marvel Comics

Thought you knew everything there is to know about Marvel comics? Think again, true believer.

Sgt Fury's treacherous French commando

Marvel's wartime adventure comic Sgt Fury and his Howling Commandos featured a cast of stereotypical Allied soldiers, from southerner 'Rebel' Ralston to bugle-playing jazzman Gabe Jones, and even a plummy Englishman called Percival 'Pinky' Pinkerton.

Later plans were to include charming Free French commando 'Toutou' Lefevre, but when the editor read the script for the next issue, called 'Something Smells Vichy', in which Toutou was revealed to be a ratfink Nazi collaborator, the character was quietly dropped for fear of upsetting French readers.

Of course, they need not have bothered as no self-respecting French person has ever read a Marvel comic, preferring to read crap about freakishly strong Gauls and Scrooge McFuckingDuck.

The Fantastic Four Christmas album

Many people remember the Spider-Man album Rock Reflections of a Superhero from the 70s, but few know that it was actually Marvel's second foray into the world of music. Back in 1965, as Marvel mania was on the rise, they brought out The Fantastic Four's Christmas Singalong, an album of original festive songs supposedly recorded by the cast of the Worlds Greatest Comic Magazine themselves.

Tracks included the crooning Ever-Loving Blue-Eyed Christmas, the romantic Reed, My Lips and the oddball Mole Man's Holiday. The true identities of the singers and musicians involved remain unknown, though popular belief has it that they were written by a young Neil Diamond, who rather than accepting payment, asked that Marvel use his likeness when they finally unmasked the Green Goblin in Amazing Spider-Man #39.

Ant-Man vs Clammm

Just as many early Fantastic Four issues pitted the fabulous quartet against the sort of giant monsters that were Marvel's standard antagonists prior to the superhero boom, so too did their costumed stablemates face a bizarre gallery of titanic foes, and none came stranger than Clammm the Man-Mollusc who was pitted against the heroic Ant-Man in an early issue of Tales To Astonish.

Hailing from 'Dimension B', the gigantic ambulatory clam was intent on devouring all of Earth's cereal crops, thus clearing the way for his people to 'conquer Earth with our fast-growing space algae!'. Fortunately the quick-witted Ant-Man spotted a pattern in the malevolent mollusc's attacks and defeated him in a bit of trademark trickery. Noticing that Clammm always avoided eating wheat crops, he commanded his loyal ant swarms to 'disguise these wheat fields as corn!' using tiny ant-sized paintbrushes, thus giving the belligerent bivalve a terrible case of acid reflux which literally cooked the gluten-intolerant Clammm from the inside.

Trucks, Robots and coloured lights

Whilst readers may remember the comic versions of popular toys like Micronauts and the Shogun Warriors, they may not be aware that these were far from the only children's games to be given the mighty Marvel treatment. Tonka! featured a gang of orphans who discover a crashed spaceship full of intelligent - and highly durable - trucks who had rebelled against their masters, aliens intent on making Earth part of 'Space Highway 919'.

Then there was Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots, in which two mismatched Earthmen find their minds beamed across the galaxy into the bodies of gladiator robots. Streetwise Benjamin Franklin Jones and bookworm Harold van Hague must work together if they are to break free and fight their way home.

A proposed comic based around the game Simon, in which a succession of ordinary people gain different powers according to the sequence of coloured lights they press on the electronic toy, never got further than the planning stage.

The Rampant Hulk

A notorious image of an apparently naked incredible Hulk in the full throes of arousal very nearly made it to the newsstands, when idiosyncratic bullpen finisher Wink 'The Ink' Benderberg, at the time going through an acrimonious divorce, suffered a complete mental breakdown whilst inking an issue of 1970s team book The Defenders.

The original splash page, as drawn by the penciller, was to have shown the Hulk being swarmed by the Nebulon the space guru's Bozo minions, with the accompanying dialogue, 'PUNY CLOWN-FACES! HULK WILL SMASH YOU ALL! AND SPARKLY YELLOW SILVER HAIR MAN TOO!', with the jade giant wearing his trademark torn purple pants. But by the time a wild-eyed Benderberg had finished with it, the trousers had been removed to reveal a fully rampant Hulk batting the oncoming Bozos away with a sweep of his foot-long gamma-engorged manhood.

Fortunately the offending artwork was spotted during printing and every single copy of The Defenders issue was pulped. Benderberg was immediately fired and never worked in comics again, though he can sometimes be glimpsed at comic cons, offering to recreate his infamous 'Erectable Hulk' for $5 a sketch.

Sons of Pitches: Secret Wars

Warning: contains satire.

If you’re a bit of a comic fan like me, you’ll be aware that Marvel are currently running a massive months-long publishing event called Secret Wars, in which characters and settings from the company’s enormous back-history have been resurrected, remixed and repackaged to appeal to the incurably geeky such as myself. Much of these titles feel a little like fan-ficky to me, so if Marvel’s creators can get away with it, so can I.

Below are a few of my own suggestions for Secret Wars titles, many of which dredge up characters and storylines from the very dustiest corners of the Marvel Universe(s). A few of these would, I think, genuinely make for decent short-lived series, whilst others are simply ham-fisted attempts to chase various demographics. As I say, contains satire.

Unnamed Warriors of Lapsed Intellectual Property

Starring the Shiny Spaceknight! The Little Guys from the Microverse! And the Three Giant Robots! Together they must face the Nasty Oriental Doctor, the Giant Radioactive Lizard and the evil Space Dude In The Black Armour!

Killraven Loves Patsy

A romantic romp starring the grim future freedom fighter and the fun-loving Hellcat herself, Patsy Walker. In issue #1, the pair must escape a terrifying Martian arena in time to meet Patsy’s parents for dinner.

Suckertown

Suckertown, where mother-lovin’ vampires stalk the streets of the endless Harlem night. A handful of righteous brothers and sisters take a stand against a snow-white sucker by the name of Baron Frost. Starring Luke Cage and Blade; they can’t be bit and they won’t be bought.

Kitty’s Pride-Force

The actually straight Kitty Pryde and her fabulous LGBTQIA friends in one extremely fit rainbow alliance of heroism. Starring Northstar, Lightspeed, Flatman, the original Union Jack and Mighty Destroyer (oh come on - they were totally doing each other), Living Lightning, Hulkling, Wiccan, Rictor, Shatterstar, Karma, Mystique, oh let’s face it half the X-Men, all of the Young Avengers and Hercules who’s actually bisexual.

Probably written by Kieron Gillen.

Wolverama

If it’s good enough for the Thors, it’s good enough for Wolvie. This series feature All The Wolverines doing the dirty jobs that the Thor Corps can’t. Starring grumpy-Jim-Henson-fairytale Wolvie, not-Bogart Patch Wolvie, tragic kimono-wearing Wedding Wolvie, and embarrassing-bone-claw-noseless Wolvie.

Slayers

Devil-Slayer, Skull the Slayer and the awesome Apeslayer - together for the first time! Warning: contains more bare chests and leather pants than a Jim Morrison tribute act.

What If: Altergasm

This depressing series features every What If scenario taking place simultaneously, from Dark Phoenix immolating the X-Men to Wolverine becoming Lord of the Vampires to Korvac turning the Avengers into his personal sock puppets, while the Watcher sits in the middle of it all, rocking back and forth and tearing his fucking eyeballs out.

A typically upbeat What If ending

I have no words.

As Seen On TV

A realm championed by the 1970s television incarnations of the Incredible Hulk, Spider-Man, Dr Strange and Captain America, in which our small-screen heroes battle low-rent hoodlums, martial artists, evil hypnotists and an inexplicably Italian Red Skull in budget-friendly adventures.

Features thugs being thrown in cardboard boxes, lots of silly string and an embarrassing motorcycling outfit. The special edition of issue #1 contains a bonus bootleg cameo of Roger Corman’s Fantastic Four.

Pet Avengers

Lockheed! Zabu! Redwing! Lockjaw! That cat from Speedball! The Frog of Thunder! Even Ms Lion from Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends! Super animals fighting for justice and freedom!

The Pet Avengers protect the United States of Animalica from the villainy of the vampiric Hellcow and the Pet Masters of Evil, led by the nazi clownfish Baron Nemo.

Super Family

Cap, Iron Man and Spidey in the sort of team-up Stan Lee never envisioned. This appeals to a certain section of the internet, which you’re just gonna have to google for yourself. Nuff said.

X-Men: An Age Undreamed Of

Crom! Like the other Secret Wars X-titles, this rehashes a classic storyline (Uncanny X-Men #190-191). But unlike those others, this one actually deserves a second visit and expansion from the original. The revived Hyborian sorcerer Kulan Gath has bewitched Manhattan and its inhabitants, transforming everything and everyone into their swords and sorcery analogue, including the X-Men and Avengers.

It’s superheroes in the age of Conan! What’s not to love?

Power Pack: Funland Run

Uncle Jolly's Funland, a land of toys and rides and never-ending cartoons. Where children play all day long and there are no grown-ups to tell them what to do or bother them. Not unless you count meanies like the alien Snarks or the dumb ol’ Boogeyman, who never last long thanks to Funland's very own kid superheroes: Alex, Julie, Jack and Katie - the unbeatable Power Pack!

But when the perpetually grinning Uncle Jolly selects one of the Powers to become his latest ‘special friend’, something doesn't feel right.  The team defy his will and run away from their Orphanage, pursued by the child-catcher Spiral in a desperate race to escape this land of do as you please and find the mythical beings known as Parents.