The Chocolate Ocelot's 2015 Fringe: Day Four

Tuesday 11th August 2015

Jon Ronson: So You've been Publicly Shamed

Assembly Rooms, Princes Street

Went to the excellent Jon Ronson talk on public shaming. They played Uptown Funk before he came on, which made me worry that I'd booked to see entirely the wrong Ronson.

He's so splendidly shuffly and unprepossessing. It feels less like he's putting on a dweeby act to sucker people in, which is the vibe I get from Louis Theroux.

Fascinating stuff about people who said something dumb and then got pilloried online by thousands of strangers, notable Justine Sacco. The democracy of social media turns to mob rule.

There was time for a Q&A at the end, and I'm pleased to say that Ronson's old investigation into the Bilderberg Group, Bohemian Grove and the great stone owl of Moloch came up.

Main thing I took away from this though was that I should not go anywhere near something called 'twitter'. Not even with somebody's else's bargepole.

Kevin McMahon: Quantum Magic

Gilded Ballon, Teviot

A pleasant hour spent in the company of this research scientist turned stage magician. Excellent sleight of hand and misdirection - his card and coin tricks are extremely deft.

The science bits don't always come across so well; perhaps a little dry. Maybe that's just me - it's halfway through our week already and the old brain is starting to calcify. Too many new experiences, not enough RAM.

Nice little bit of 3D specs magic at the end.

I bumped into crime writer Val McDermid as we left the Gilded Balloon. I immediately shook her hand, said I loved the books and especially her radio series on forensics. In retrospect, this may have come over a bit too full-on and I apologise.

She had very cold hands, by the way.

Thrones! The Musical

Assembly George Square Studios

Whistlestop tour through the juggernaut that is the Game of Thrones TV show, brought to us by Baby Wants Candy. A talented cast portrays both rabid GoT fans about to watch the final episode and all the major characters.

Some excellent strong voices and funny songs. I kinda got lost in the 'names of every character you need to know' number, but that's only to be expected.

The white walkers' N-Sync number and Cersei's walk of shame (somewhat reminiscent of a naked Aunty Val in League of Gentlemen) were particular highlights.

Had a particularly fleshy crepe afterwards, and struggled to finish it before its cooling rubbery texture revolted me to my core. When will I learn...

Tom Neenan: The Andromeda Paradox

Pleasance Dome

Having seen his The Haunting at Lopham House (a comic pastiche of MR James and Woman in Black type ghost stories) last year, I really wanted to catch Tom Neenan's one-man parody of classic British sci-fi. And as it mainly spoofs my beloved Quatermass and the Pit, I was so there.

Unassuming scientist with father issues Bernard Andromeda is called to investigate a curious excavation in London's Devils' Crescent tube station. Encountering a plant-loving (no, really loving) German botanist, a loyal female assistant and a cute tiny green thing along the way. He's an excellent physical performer.

My pick of the day for sure. One for my 7TV chums.

Hal Cruttenden: Straight Outta Cruttenden

Pleasance

Not sure what I expected from Hal Cruttenden. I'd heard him doing pleasantly amusing schtick on Radio 4, probably in a lazy quiz-format show where a panel of four comediators are asked a series of open-ended thematic topics and are assigned completely spurious points at the end of each round like anybody cares. But I rant digress.

I rather liked his mixture of straight-camp musings on fatherhood, public school and gangster rap, all delivered with a decidedly cherubic grin. His stance on a particular social media phenomenon (that of annually commemorating a parent's death) is one I heartily endorse.

Scottish Falsetto Sock Puppet Theatre: Minging Detectives

Gilded Balloon Teviot

Now don't get me wrong: I love the Socks. We've seen them many times. And they went down a storm this evening, one woman sat behind us particularly howling with glee.

But I reckon I've seen the act one time too many now - even with new material about TV detectives this year, it is largely the same basic format (of course it is, it has to be) of a sock puppet Abbott and Costello in squeaky voices.

Or it could simply be that it was my sixth show of the day...

Will Seaward: Spooky Midnight Ghost Stories II

Gilded Balloon Teviot

Midnight. So tired now, so very tired. Why did I agree to a seventh show? Why?

Will Seaward's very good. Avuncular, in a Gelliant Gutfright (look it up) sort of way. Everyone else was hooting and loving his comedy tales of silly spookiness. But I was stuck in the very front row, hallucinating with exhaustion and eyelids drooping heavily, longing for bed.

Maybe he could do a spooky 6pm ghost story show for weaklings like me...

Fin

Back to base for shortbread and Secret Wars comics.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Screen Dumps

In which the Ocelot burbles on about telly and fillums.

The Danger Mouse Paradox

He's terrific.

And another thing, right? Danger Mouse. So we were watching a couple of episodes late last night, and DM and Penfold are hopping off and on the Orient Express and nosing around galleries in Venice. Despite being a (dangerous) mouse and a (frankly useless) hamster, they're clearly of roughly human adult size, or at worst child size.

But, but, they live in a frickin' postbox! Not crammed inside like a couple of mummies spooning in a sarcophagus, but like it's a big red penthouse! And when they fly out in their car on a mission, they leave via a secret exit in the bloody kerbstone! They are clearly actual rodent size at that point, but by the time they arrive at the mission target, they've grown by a factor of 8. What gives? I can only conclude that DM's flying car is also equipped with size-changing Pym Particles - a reference that only a small fraction of the population understands right now (until July 17th).

So assuming that DM and Penfold have access to size-changing technology en route, what does that mean for Baron Greenback, Stiletto and the rest of the villains? We never see them in the postbox, only in the outside world, where they're all human-sized too. Do they shrink and grow, or are they always big? Is Greenback sometimes toad-sized and sometimes human sized? What about Nero, whatever the Cosgrove-Hall he is?

It's this sort of shoddy writing that destroys any willing suspension of disbelief in the greatest secret agent in the world being a one-eyed mouse in a matching turtle neck (or possibly he just has a distressing band of goitres).

Also, even though the eyepatch only conceals his (presumably horrific) blind eye, there's no eyebrow above the patch. Was it burnt off in whatever traumatic incident destroyed his eyeball? Or does he simply shave it off so it doesn't get tangled up in the patch's string?

Next: Why it's always better to be in a team of two in Blockbusters.

Game of Tardisses

I understand that Ahyah Stark is guest-starring in the next series of Dr Who. 

Here's hoping for more Game of Thrones cameos. Personally I'd like to see the Hound turning up with a chainsword and going Dee-Kay, and Ser Jorah dragging along behind the Doctor, helpfully explaining the local customs of every fricking place they go to.

Han Solo Prequel

"That must be your mama's land-speeder!"

Let the crying out of millions of voices commence.

I very much hope that this Solo solo will give us an insecure teen Han, possibly with a stammer and poor blaster skills. Chewie could have lank fur hanging down over his eyes and an ironic bandolier worn backwards. Also Lando with a Kid'n'Play hi-top fade.

Let the crying out of millions of voices commence.

I've just thought - they could do the entire prequel using footage of Harrison Ford from pre-Star Wars films. All they'd have to do is crop him out of American Graffiti and stick him in a souped-up black hot-pod, hassling other drivers on a Saturday night.

SFX: Now celebrating 20 years of
a tedious SEX gag on the cover

The Bland From UNCLE

Promo shot from the new Man from UNCLE, courtesy of SFX mag.
I hate to pre-judge (who am I kidding - I love it), but don't this pair look like the blandest possible casting choice? Armie Hammer especially looks like he's been given a Fassbender-as-Prometheus-droid makeunder.
I have already recast this film in my head with Jon Hamm and Aaron Paul and find it much more to my liking.

NorrrrELLevision

Much as I find many elements of the TV adaptation of Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell irritating (far too many Johns, preposterous Metaluna fairy, long-windedness, horrible orange-and-teal colour tint, Paul Kaye's off-the-peg mystic tramp, the dull, dull Stephen), I cannot get enough of fruity Mr Drawlight rolling his mouth around "Mister NorrrrELL".

I quite like Childermass too, for all his geezery scowling.

And the actual big-ass magical effects are cool, 'specially the sandhorses and the rainships. And Bigby's Giant Muddy Hand.

Oh, and "Do you wish to be shot? Then behave differently" was good too.

Pitch of the Day

Been thinking up movie titles today.

Sweet Christmas!

The best one so far is The Moomin Centipede.

I thank you.

Cage Match

I'm probably far from the first person to say it, but man, Terry Crews would have been perfect to play Luke Cage. A bit too old now, unforch.
I'm sure Mike Colter'll be alright, but Terry Crews is Cage to his toes.

On Spoilers

SPOILER ALERT

Do not read further if you don't like to know about things that you haven't read or watched. Plot twists are spoken of, events are revealed, deaths are divulged.

A year or two ago, just before the first Game of Thrones TV programme came out, I was lambasted on an online forum - that bastion of civility and restraint - for spoiling; that is, giving away as yet unbroadcast - or at least unseen by some people - plot. Bear in mind I hadn't even seen the show yet myself, nor had I read any reviews, sneak peaks or indeed any spoilers. So what could I have said that so upset the pseudonymous forumite so?

"Sean Bean's character dies."

(or words to that effect)

You know what I based that statement on? The fact that Sean Bean was in the show and the show wasn't called Sharpe's Dragons. As we all know, Mr Bean (not that Mr Bean), has a habit of playing characters that peg it before the credits roll. And we love him for it.

"All you've got to do is stand, and fire three rounds a minute. Now, you and I know you can fire three rounds a minute. But can you stand?"

Anyway, even though it was meant as a knowing joke about the pigeon-holing of a certain actor, it didn't go down well with at least one person on the forum, and I was duly upbraided for spoiling the forthcoming Game of Thrones TV series for him. Fair enough, you might say, my words were ill-chosen.

But wait a minute, isn't Game of Thrones the TV series based on A Song of Fire and Ice, the best selling book series? And wasn't the first volume, A Game of Thrones, first published waaaay back in 1996, some 15 - count 'em - 15 years prior to the telly series going out? Wasn't it reasonable to assume that the events of this first book at least might well be fair game by now? Especially on a geektabulous forum like this one (frequented by gamers).

So here's the thing - can you spoil something that's already been out in the public domain for 15 years? What about if something's been out in book form for 15 years and we've (I say we, y'know, geeks) been happily discussing it for ages when all of a sudden a TV adaptation comes around, opening it up to a wider audience? Do we then shut up as the work is now available to a whole new demographic (who presumably have not visited the fantasy section of Waterstones or other leading book sellers for a decade and a half)? Is there not a statute of limitations on spoilers?

Then what if they suddenly announce, I dunno, a TV series based on Iain M Banks' Culture books? Apart from that being an awesome idea, do I have to suddenly refrain from discussing the books, in case somebody who A) wants to watch the series but B) hasn't read the books, is listening?

What about the forthcoming Amazing Spider-Man 2 movie, featuring love interest Gwen Stacy? Am I supposed to not say that in the comics Gwen died in 1973? 

The inherent dangers of sudden weblash

Should I pause and consider, before mentioning any work of literature (and yes I bloomin' well am including books and sci-fi, thankyouverymuch) that may be adapted to a visual medium at some point in the future, if anyone present considers themselves to be a member of the set of elements A intersection B (see above)?

Or should I just, like, never talk about anything that might be on TV or film that may have been based on something else? Coz, I'm telling you, if you take comics and sci-fi and TV and films away from me, I'm pretty much a conversational vacuum.

By the way, Vader is Luke's dad, Verbal Kint is Keyser Soze, Bruce Willis' character is a ghost, that's Gwyneth Paltrow's head in the box, and Zakalwe was actually Elethiomel all along. Ha!