The Mighty World Of Me #3

Another comic effort. A bit longer than usual.

The Mighty World Of Me #2

Another comic effort.

Dead Man Talking

Heard an incredibly depressing interview on my drive to work this morning, in the grim wet gloom two days before Christmas.
Totally bummed me out, so I've squeezed it all out of me and onto paper. Keyboard. Screen. Whatever.


I listened to death today.

Not Death with a capital D.

No dour Discworld reaper,

nor gamine Gaiman goth girl, no;

I listened to a dying man,

who exuded his oncoming death

with each emphysemic, leukemic breath.                          

For half an hour in my car

I listened to him breathe his death

on Start The Week with Andrew Marr.

A man so near the end

you could feel the mortality

seeping out of the radio.

Blanketing me in the bleakness

the blackness

the sadness

of his poetry.

You're not dead yet Clive,

but I'm mourning you now

and thinking back

to the funny fat-faced man on the telly

saying 'Meanwhile, on Endurance…'

and showing us clips

of silly people from around the World,

and writing what is was like

falling towards England

with only a cardboard suitcase,

a Singapore suit

and mushy slushy Chelsea boots.


Normal light-hearted hijinks will resume in due course.

The Mighty World Of Me #1

Thought I'd try doing a webcomic. This is my first effort.

Dan Brown's The Mysterious Thing

Now, I quite like a Dan Brown book, I do. Oi, come back. I haven't finished yet. Put your snarky snobbery over there on the side for a moment and read on. There will be amusement and mockery, do not fear.

As I was saying, I do quite like a Dan Brown book. I like the mysteries and the riddles and the stuff about the weirder bits of history. I even don't mind the bits about art and architecture, providing they're heavily laced with references to hidden clues and secret passages of course.

And sometimes the books have cool visual puzzles like the ambigrams in Angels & Demons and the map thing in The Lost Symbol. I actually sat down and decoded the map thing before reading any further, yes I did. I am that sort of a person. I also used to translate alien languages in comics, and for those of you who do likewise, what about that issue of Smalsh Yegger, eh?

But I diverse. I do like a Dan Brown book. I will freely admit that the writing, whilst perfectly competent, ain't great literature. But that's fine. I'm not after great literature, just an engaging mystery/adventure. And yes, the characterisation's non-existent, but who cares? I just wanna figure out the puzzles along with (and hopefully ahead of) tweedy protagonist Robert Langdon.

BUT. I am halfway through the audio version of the latest effort Inferno and I've figured out which aspect of Mr Brown's writing bugs me. It's the padding. My god, the padding. The endless pages of nothing much happening and nobody getting anywhere. I swear he uses a template much like the following to bump his page count up every other chapter...

* * *

The Mysterious Thing

Chapter nn

Robert Langdon glanced down at the Mickey Mouse watch that served as his personality. His age-nonspecific brow wrinkled in concern. Too fast.  They were moving through the plot too quickly. He had to slow things down somehow.

But how? Perhaps some internal monologue, debating his choices. Or should he? The threat of the Unusual Killer finding them was ever present. Could he afford to spend time reviewing the story so far and considering all the clues and puzzles for the convenience of the reader? Could he afford not to?

His mind wandered back to a lecture he had given about the Famous Dead Guy some time ago. Rehashing the deceased genius' life and achievements would not only serve to remind everyone that this story Could Actually Be True, but would also pad out a few pages with some judicious keystrokes from the Famous Dead Guy's Wikipedia page. And it would make an ideal flashback scene for the movie adaptation.

He paused in his reverie, suddenly aware once more of his surroundings. They were in the Fascinating Real Place, with its unusual architecture and collection of weird stuff. Tourists will come to visit this place after they've read this; I should get a royalty, Langdon mused. Though he did not muse wryly, as that would have suggested some sort of personality.  And in any case, he did not need the money, as his flashback lectures on Art History For Dummies seemed to provide him with a healthy income. Enough to keep him in tweed jackets and comfortable loafers, at any rate.

Running a hand through his brown hair, his only notable feature apart from the watch, he glanced over at his companion on this strange journey. The Helpful Young Woman was looking at the Intriguing Object she held in fascination.

'Robert', she began 'You were telling me a little about the Helpful Thing before we had to run away again. While we're hiding here from the Unusual Killer, could you continue for the benefit of myself and the reader?'

Langdon smiled. But not patronisingly, as that would have shown some sort of personality.

'More than a simple MacGuffin, the Intriguing Object is a device to guide the protagonist on his journey, revealing clues one by one. And by extension, the reader too is fed background on the Famous Dead Guy and the Mysterious Thing which we seek in maddening, bite-sized morsels. Just enough to keep them interested through the padded bits.'

'Like this one?' the helpful Young Woman said, peering out from their hiding place, bravely.

'Precisely.' Langdon was pleased. Under his paternal tutorship, she had rapidly adapted from the role of wrong person in the wrong place into a useful expository foil and capable companion, much like a Bond Girl or Dr Who assistant, though with neither the sex appeal of the first or the personality of the second. No matter, he reassured himself, she would disappear in between books anyway.

They went over the next clue again. Discussing it over and over, to give the readers a chance to work it out themselves and feel clever. Was it an anagram? Or an acronym? Perhaps a homophone or a translation? Fortunately, as the world's premier symbologist and explainer of things, Langdon was well qualified to unravel the secrets of the Mysterious Object, one tedious layer at a time.

He repeated the next part of the puzzle. If they could stretch this out for another paragraph, he would be able to use his jammy eidetic memory to solve the riddle. Perhaps if he went over the story so far just one more time, with the Helpful Young Woman asking lots of simple questions. But already he could feel the onset of another narrative shift, and with it another frustratingly oblique chapter from the perspective of the Unusual Killer and the Friend Who Is Actually The Main Baddie. Langdon checked his watch again and ran his fingers through his brown hair. But not nervously, because, well, you know.

* * *

  

Scriptics: AKA - A Foggy Day In London Town

Well, hello again. I've been having a jolly good rummage through the Pouch's back catalogue of late, fishing out a few never-before-seen (except by everyone who knows me but weren't able to run away fast enough) products of my imagination. Comic strips, nasty digs at gamers, satirical tarot cards and the like. As you do.

This seasonal harvest of creative goodies is in no way linked to my starting a new grown-up job on Monday, thus signalling the end of a fun but ultimately financially punitive year off / sabbatical / mid-life crisis / failed attempt to make a living out of making shit up. Oh no. Nothing to do with that. Not an eleventh minute of the eleventh hour, half-arsed display of what one might laughingly call a portfolio of written work in order to remind myself that while yes, I might be going back to the old nine-to-five and taking the Man's dollar (pound actually) once again, secretly I am still a writer of mildly entertaining things which the day job is just there to fund.

Speaking of mildly entertaining, remember those little TV script excerpts I splurted out a couple of years ago? Stuff like AKA: The Children of the Fields? Department X and the Iron Menagerie? The Man From 2000: The Year of the Monkey?

What do you mean, No? I'm wounded. Oh alright, I forgive you, like I always do.

Once more with the introduction then. These scriptics are one-page scripts for fictional British TV shows from the 60s and 70s, which I wrote for the splendid game 7TV. They range from Dr Who meets The Avengers to Time Tunnel meets Adam Adamant. Yeah - that wide a range. Hey, whaddaya want from me? It's an homage to cult British telly, or as I like to think of it, everything I watched between the ages of seven and thirty-two.

In the scriptic below we return once again to the supernatural adventures of that mod mage of swinging London, Adam Kismet, played (in my head) by sixties icon Simon Dee. Or more precisely in this case, we return to Adam's friend and companion (we'd have said assistant or Girl Friday back in the day) Eloise Pargeter (probably played by Paula Wilcox), as she falls afoul of sinister devil-worshipper Sir Humphrey Lomax (almost certainly played by legendary heavyweight villain actor Charles Gray).

Throughout these scenes, kindly assume a modest TV budget, low rent effects, scenery chewing character actors and a cracking Radiophonic Workshop soundtrack...

* * *

6.30 Black and White

A.K.A.

starring Simon Lee

A Foggy Day In London Town

by DON COTTON

Ms Pargeter decides that the best way to keep an eye on the enigmatic Adam Kismet is to move into the house next door. But moving day is interrupted a dense fog that blankets the city. And then people begin to disappear.

Ms Pargeter ...................... PAULA WILCOCKS

Fortnum ............................. RONALD CORBET

Mason ...................................... JOHN CLEASE

Sir Humphrey Lomax/

Magister Malleus .................CHARLES GREY

Producer PRESTON TREVOR

Director SAM PONSDALE

* * *

SCENE 18. ALLEYWAY, EXTERIOR
A London alleyway, wreathed in thick fog. Ms PARGETER, dishevelled but struggling is dragged before Sir Humphrey LOMAX by two of his burly CULTISTS. His lackey HAMILTON stands behind Lomax and whispers into his ear.

EFFECT – Smoke machine.

HAMILTON

We ought to kill her, Magister.

LOMAX

No, Hamilton, not yet… Bring her to my sanctum.

He turns toward the rear door of the club.



SCENE 19. INNER SANCTUM, INTERIOR
A richly appointed wood-panelled study, adorned with occult idols, paintings and books. A walnut desk with a leather top. A high-backed chair behind the desk. A flimsy stool before it. LOMAX is in the highbacked chair. He is wearing the full black and gold robes of a magister. Ms PARGETER is sat in the flimsy chair, bound at the wrists and ankles. HAMILTON stands by the door.

EFFECT: Darkly lit by a reading light on the desk.

LOMAX

It is useless to struggle, my dear. Those bonds are quite secure, I assure you. 

He reverently pats an old leather-bound book on the desk.

LOMAX

Do you like my inner sanctum? It was here, many months ago that I came across the Ritual of Apollyon, a ritual I intend to enact, tonight!

PARGETER

You’re mad!

LOMAX (Chuckles) 

Am I? Is it madness to question the nature of this world? To probe the fabric of reality? In another time, another place, I would have been hailed as a visionary, a sage!

PARGETER

You’d have been burnt as a witch, more like!

LOMAX

Really, Ms Pargeter, I had hoped you would understand my viewpoint. Appreciate the historic challenge I have undertaken – to make contact with Those Who Lie Beyond.

PARGETER

So that’s what you’re doing! Adam said only a fool would try something like that.

LOMAX (Splutters indignantly) 

It is Kismet who is the fool! Wasting his talents in the service of those sheep out there. With his arcane skill, his knowledge, he could have bent this world to his will long ago! But soon, with the power I will wrest from Beyond, he will bend to me, and acknowledge that Magister Malleus is his better.

She gulps.

PARGETER

He said it was impossible. Nobody would have the willpower to resist those… things you’re talking about. He said their minds are so huge, they’d overwhelm anyone who even looked at them!

LOMAX

Do you question my strength of will, Ms Pargeter? I can assure you I am more than capable of carrying out my plans. Did I not summon the choking fog that even now paralyses all of London? Is it not my will that maintains the endless corridor that your precious Adam Kismet is doomed to walk until he starves to death?

PARGETER

You lunatic! I demand you let him go!

LOMAX (Slowly shaking head) 

I hardly think so, not at this crucial juncture. But… I think you still require proof of my power, my dear. Perhaps a small demonstration will suffice to convince you. Hamilton – bring the body in!

HAMILTON opens the door. Two robed CULTISTS enter carrying the dead body of GEORGE the milkman between them. They place it on the floor by Ms PARGETER’s feet and leave. Hamilton closes the door again.

PARGETER (Tremulous) 

That’s, that’s the milkman! He’s dead!

She cannot take her eyes from the corpse of GEORGE.

LOMAX

Life, death, these are mutable states of being, dear girl.  Surely Kismet has told you that much? Now, behold the power of a true magister of the forbidden arts!

LOMAX fixes his gaze upon the corpse of GEORGE.

EFFECT: superimpose glowing eyes on LOMAX.

The corpse begins to twitch and slowly begins to rise to its feet. Ms PARGETER struggles to get out of the chair, but the bonds around her wrists and ankles are too secure. The corpse of GEORGE sways upright behind her.

MAKE UP: GEORGE the milkman. Corpse pallor, blacked out teeth, opaque contact lenses.

LOMAX smiles cruelly and he switches his gaze to Ms PARGETER. The corpse of GEORGE raises its arms to her neck. Ms PARGETER screams.

Roll Credits.

* * *

There will be many more of these, as I feel the burning need to expose my one-page wonders to you in their full majesty. Later efforts will, I assure you, feature lobster men, Nazis and Diana Dors.

Reading the Screaming Cards

Go here for an introduction to the Screaming Cards.

Traditionally, there are 3 configurations or patterns for the cards, though variants do exist. None of the configurations use the entire pack, and all are arranged as follows:

• The entire pack is shuffled thoroughly, usually by the person undergoing the reading ('the Guest').
• The cards are dealt by the Guest face down onto the table, in the order and configuration indicated by the person carrying out the reading ('the Host').
• Cards should then be turned over, so that they are facing the Guest (though advanced readings may make use of 'inverted' cards).

Readings for as given Guest may vary over time, due to the waxing and waning of various factors, both internal and external, such as emotional states, energy fields and planetary alignments.

The House

A configuration of the Self

Also known as the Palace or Mountain, this pattern represents the inner voices and influences of the Guest; their mind, personality and soul.

The House is made up of three distinct areas: the Door (outward persona), Windows (inner voices) and Roof (core aspects).

The cards should be dealt as follows:

1.      The Door

This is how the Guest chooses to interact with the World. It is their voice, outward demeanour and everyday persona that they use to present themselves to others.

2.      The Southwest Window

This is a minor negative influence. An inner voice with some malign effect on the Guest's daily activities.

3.      The Southeast Window

This is a minor positive influence. An inner voice with some benign effect on the Guest's daily activities.

4.      The Northwest Window

This is a major negative influence. An inner voice with a greater malign effect on the Guest's daily activities.

5.      The Northeast Window

This is a major positive influence. An inner voice with a greater benign effect on the Guest's daily activities.

6.      The West Roof

This is a deep, unconscious negative aspect or drive. It is also one of the Guest's spiritual guardians or totems.

7.      The East Roof

This is a deep, unconscious positive aspect or drive. It is also one of the Guest's spiritual guardians or totems.

8.      The Upper Roof (or Chimney)

This is the deepest core aspect of the Guest's current psyche. It is also the Guest's primary spiritual guardian or totem.

The Seasons

A configuration of Time

Also known as the Passage or River, this pattern represents the course of the Guest's life; be it the recent past and immediate future, or their entire lifespan. It may represent just one aspect of the Guest's life, such as their career, relationships, finance or health.

The Seasons are divided into rows for Spring (childhood, birth, renewal, rain), Summer (youth, growth, change, fire), Autumn (adulthood, maturity, stability, drought) and Winter (old age, decline, closure, ice). Each Season is made up of the central Earth column (the primary influence) and bounded by Sun and Moon columns (secondary influences). This of course uses 12 of the 13 cards in the pack. The 13^th card is said to be 'outside time'.

The cards should be dealt as follows:

The Table

A configuration of the World

Also known as the Hall or Campfire, this pattern represents the external influences on the Guest. These may be individual people, groups or organisations. The cards ringing the table represents chairs, each one occupied by a different being with some effect on the Guest's life, whether that is on a daily basis, over a long period, or just once.

The Table has an upper female row, a lower male row, plus one card at the head and one at the foot. The male and female cards are labelled as such merely for ease of reference and may not actually represent individual men and women.

The cards should be dealt as follows:

1.      The Lord

Someone or something that that has great power over the Guest. Also known as the Judge.

2.      The Lady

Someone or something that that gives the Guest solace, comfort or sanctuary. Also known as the Abbess.

3.      The Brother

Someone or something that that the Guest trusts and relies on. Also known as the Sergeant.

4.      The Lover

Someone or something that that the Guest desires. Also known as the Mistress.

5.      The Rival

Someone or something that that the Guest is in competition with. Also known as the Opponent.

6.      The Maidservant

Someone or something that that the Guest uses for their own ends. Also known as the Serf.

7.      The Enemy

Someone or something that that means the Guest ill, or works against them. Also known as the Fiend.

8.      The Empty Chair

Someone or something that that the Guest has lost or has been denied. Also known as the Corpse.