Monday, 8 August 2016

The Chocolate Ocelot's 2016 Fringe - Day Four

MONDAY 8TH AUGUST 2016


Six-Sided Man
Downstairs @ Assembly Roxy
There are two rules: Never give the dice an option you're not prepared to follow, and never disobey the die! Darkly hilarious, seductive... from Luke Rhinehart's cult novel, The Dice Man. A disillusioned psychiatrist lives his life by giving options to a dice, and introduces a patient to the lifestyle.
The Ocelot says: I've been a fan of Gavin Robertson's physical shows for 20-odd years, since Thunderbirds FAB and Fantastical Voyage. This show with veteran actor Nicholas Collet is an interesting mixture of psychopathy and humour, though we did sometimes lose track of who was playing who (patient/psychiatrist/inner ego). I especially liked Robertson's tragically lonely, ordinary photocopier repairman, played with touches of Hancock and Gervais. 3/5

Intergalactic Nemesis: Twin Infinity – A Live Action Graphic Novel
Pleasance One @ Pleasance Courtyard
The year is 1942. Are you ready for the adventure? Live sound effects, voice acting, cinematic score, and over a thousand projected comic book panels combine in a one of a kind live extravaganza for the kid in everyone!
The Ocelot says: Not sure what I expected of this. I guess more of a super-heroic comic-booky experience, though it turns out to be a strange three-way hybrid of classic radio show, pulp adventure serial and (slightly too static) comic art. At 90 minutes, it's a good half hour too long, and also relies a little too much on the audience having seen the previous two or three shows in the Intergalactic Nemesis series. 3/5

Radio Active
Pleasance One @ Pleasance Courtyard
Angus Deayton, Helen Atkinson Wood, Michael Fenton Stevens and Philip Pope reunite to bring classic scripts from the award-winning BBC Radio 4 series back to its Edinburgh Festival Fringe birthplace.
The Ocelot says: One for the nostalgic, which includes me in this case. I think it was two classic radio shows from the 80s reprised on stage with the original cast, sadly minus the late Geoffrey Perkins (shockingly misspelled as Geoffery on the back screen at one point). The highlight for me was Deayton, Stevens and the musically talented Pope performing Status Quid's interminable spoof Boring Song. We saw them all hanging out in the Pleasance courtyard afterward. I wanted to go up and say hello to Michael Fenton Stevens and say that we were once on the same Thames river boat with him at Robert Rankin's party, but Herself - wisely in the cold light of retrospection - advised that this didn't sound so cool. 4/5 (mainly for the songs).

A Dame of Thrones
Frooty Goose @ The Lombard Project
A talented improv troupe insert a different classical British actress, reprising one of her most celebrated roles, into George RR Martin's acclaimed but bloody saga.
The Ocelot says: Today we saw Dame Judi Dench's put-upon spinster Laura from A Fine Romance attend a dinner with the Boltons, with unexpected results. Apparently tomorrow will be Dame Maggie Smith's Lady Violet paying a surprise visit to King Joffrey. 5/5

Mr Swallow – Houdini
Forth @ Pleasance Courtyard
Following his critically acclaimed portrayal of Dracula, Nick Mohammed's alter ego Mr Swallow is back with a magical, musical biopic of Houdini that he's definitely rehearsed this time. Definitely!
The Ocelot says: I feel a bit bad about not enjoying this as much as Herself and many of the audience. They were lapping up Nick Mohammed's clownish Mr Swallow and his put-upon assistants trying to stage a tribute to Harry Houdini. But I think I made the mistake of mentally stepping back early on and thinking his character in particular was just a bit too silly, and then couldn't go along with the conceit like everyone else. Probably the same reason that some people just didn't get Norman Wisdom or don't get Count Arthur Strong. But we did see Neil Pearson, Angus Deayton, Phil Pope and Ellie Taylor in the audience, so that was cool. Oh, and he did do some decent close-up magic and a fair Chinese Water Torture escape at the end. 3/5

Nosferatu's Shadow
Grassmarket 4 @ Sweet Grassmarket
Who was Max Schreck, the man behind the monster? Why is he solely remembered for the only horror film he made during a career encompassing 800 parts and 50 films? How did he continue working through the rise of Hitler and the Nazis?
The Ocelot says: A magnetic performance from writer/actor Michael Daviot as the character actor now known for a single monstrous role. Despite the utter lack of atmosphere that can only come from staging a show in a bright, modern hotel meeting room, his tall gaunt presence - reminiscent of John Carradine - rich voice and blazing eyes are, to quote Herself, 'spellbinding'. 5/5

Adrian Gray's The 007 Conspiracy: James Bond's Terrifying Truth, Exposed!
The Little Kirk @ Just the Tonic at The Community Project
A one-man conspiracy spy-thriller high-tech romp – with some PowerPoint gags as well. Adrian Gray, presents the story of self-appointed ‘truth theorist’ Adrian Gray (no relation) who claims to have uncovered the dark truth behind the James Bond franchise, and discovers that sometimes, the truth is kept hidden for a reason.
The Ocelot says: Though some folks may feel a little gypped for coming to a show that is not entirely as advertised, do go along with it and enjoy the ride. Reminds me a little of some of Johnny Sweet's solo efforts like Mostly About Arthur. Loved the ending; I don't want to spoil it, but it does involve a chicken coronation. Sorry, that probably does spoil it quite a bit. 4/5

Quirky Incident
Nothing quirky happened today. Sorry. I can't just force quirkiness to occur, ok? I mean, sure, some people did come up to me and asked for directions, as has happened previously. And yes, I did heroically chase after some chap who'd dropped his train ticket and he only said 'thanks' in the most desultory fashion, the ungrateful bastard. But that was kind of it. Not every day can be Quirkday. Sometimes it's just... Blahday. 

Oh, no, wait, something odd did actually happen today, although it mainly happened a couple of days ago. This bloke got in the queue for Intergalactic Nemesis behind us. I don't want to be horrible about him but he does look a bit like notorious Afrikaner white supremacist Eugene TerreBlanche, only wearing an oversized Bathory t-shirt stretched over his belly. Anyway, I recognised him from Saturday when he was in the same audience as us for three consecutive shows. In three different locations. THIS IS WEIRD. I think he might be following us. Not sure why, but it can't be good. If you don't hear from me again, call the number hidden in this blog (you'll know how to find it), and give the codephrase 'We all wanted to do the Paddington mum'.

I think this is Edinburgh's first cat brothel


Sunday, 7 August 2016

The Chocolate Ocelot's 2016 Fringe - Day Three

SUNDAY 7TH AUGUST 2016


Celts
Exhibition Gallery 1 @ National Museum of Scotland
The idea of a shared Celtic heritage across ancient Europe retains a powerful hold over the popular imagination. But many ideas about the people known as Celts are more recent reimaginings, reinvented over the centuries.
The Ocelot says: Look, I like a good exhibition as much as the next person who likes exhibitions exactly the same amount as me, but do we really need to see 37 gold torcs and 53 silver brooch pins? I contend that we do not. Two or three gets the message across quite adequately. You could keep the rest safely locked up, or even flog them to the Chinese and free up more museum space for, I dunno, a celebration of Oor Wullie or something more interesting. I did like the wooden chariot though, and the silver Gundestrup cauldron. It was just like in Slaine. 3/5

FĂȘte Worse Than Death
The Annexe @ Paradise in The Vault
Welcome to the village fĂȘte in Llanfairchwaraesboncen, nestled in the South Wales Valleys. Join your host, 76-year-old village busybody Eirys Evans, in a fun-filled romp complete with competitions, slide shows and audience participation. 
The Ocelot says: Jolly good character comedy from Karen Sherrard on her first Fringe (we had a bit of a chat beforehand). She played a little old Welsh lady running a crappy village fete and the fete's star guest, not-Charlie-Dimmock lady gardener Esme de Flange, whose stream of relentless horticultural double-entendres was like a Viz strip come to life. Sadly I didn't win anything in the raffle. 4/5




Etherwave: Adventures with the Theremin
Grassmarket 3 @ Sweet Grassmarket
Notorious performer Hypnotique tells her personal story about the world’s first electronic instrument (from 1920s Russia) and its influence on music today – including Led Zeppelin, Kraftwerk and Portishead. In this multimedia talk and music performance, expect tall tales of KGB espionage, spooky soundtracks and her encounters with Amazonians, Bob Moog and Simon Cowell.
The Ocelot says: The theremin's a weird instrument. Like the violin, if played badly it's a dire assault on the ears and the soul. Still and all, Miss Hypnotique puts on a most entertaining and educational hour about the invention and use of the peculiar electronic instrument. 3/5

Tom Neenan: Vaudeville
Buttercup @ Underbelly Med Quad
Backstage at the Vaudeville Theatre hear dark and hilarious tales of magic, malevolence and misfortune in this one-man portmanteau horror comedy from master storyteller, comedian and writer Tom Neenan.
The Ocelot says: Always a pleasure to see one-man maestro Tom Neenan put on another spoof, this time a riff on the portmanteau horror format like Dead of Night and Dr Terror's House of Horrors. I thought I would be safe on the front row with him, but sadly I was roped into a bit of audience participation, though just for a card trick (which was very well done). The high point for me were the three theatrical agents, played Macbeth-witch style by Tom and his two hands - all very Falsetto Sock Puppetty, which is no bad thing. 5/5

Marvellous Adventures of Mary Seacole
studio 2 @ C venues – C nova
The fascinating story of the Jamaican/Scottish woman who braved the Crimean War to tend to wounded soldiers, described as ‘a warm and successful physician, who doctors and cures all manner of men with extraordinary success’. We watch her progression from a child identifying medicinal herbs, to the horrors of war and epidemic when she entered Sevastopol.
The Ocelot says: Jolly fine life story of the lady in question by Cleo Sylvestre though I remain unconvinced that Seacole made any significant medical contribution, she was evidently a brave and kind woman. Well done to Cleo Sylvestre for doing the whole performance in full heavy Victorian frockage. 4/5

MMORPG Show
Ballroom @ Gilded Balloon at the Counting House
Combining improvised comedy with tabletop gaming in an epic, sprawling, open world, entirely made up fantasy quest of the audience's own devising. Every show is different. Every choice has a consequence, every success or failure decided by a large D20 (20-sided dice).
The Ocelot says: Paul Flannery of Knightmare Live fame stages a tabletop adventure for 3 'randomly selected' volunteers from the audience, and with silly suggestions from the rest of us, they attempt to roleplay and roll their way through a short quest. At least 2 of the 3 volunteers (bad luck CJ for coming second at Hungry Hungry Battle Hippos) have their own shows on here, including Erin McGathy from the Harmontown podcast. Only problem with this show is that I didn't completely enjoy it coz I secretly kinda wanted to be one of the three adventurers. 4/5

Tdipus Rex
Frooty Goose @ Platform 13
The classic Greek tragedy acted out entirely in dinosaur costumes. Betrayed by his best friend, in love with his mother and far from home, can Tdipus overcome close harmony Persians, Geordie harpies and Cyclops from the X-Men and save the day?
The Ocelot says: Of all the Greek sauropod dramas on at the Fringe, this is the best seen so far. The most memorable scene comes when the titular hero struggles to claw out his own eyes with his pathetically short arms. 3/5

Lady's Guide to the Art of Being a Wingman
Balcony @ Gilded Balloon Teviot
The Desperettes are girls dressed as boys, using techniques for picking up women to pick up men. Got it? Good!  Expect sharp comedy and tight harmonies as the girls defy gender singing a huge soundtrack of classic pop, including Destiny’s Child, Justin Timberlake and Salt’n’Pepa.
The Ocelot says: Slick comedy cover songs from three talented performers from Australia, dressed as Reservoir Dogs in pink beehives. Some light sauce and gentle audience interaction and a fine medley of ladypop singing. 4/5

Quirky Incident
Managed to lose something again. Again! This time it was my trusty dictaphone thing, with which Herself and I record our reviews post each show. This is a) to help me remember stuff for this here blog and b) to make us look sort of like gonzo journos in the hope that someone cool will want to talk to us. I can report that b) has not yet happened. 
But on the plus side, I did find the dictaphone voice thing when I ran back into the Counting House and found it where it'd fallen out of my rubbish jeans pocket. Damn you, rubbish jeans and your shallow front pockets! I lost twentyfive quid out of you at Salute in April, but I was too ashamed to admit it publicly. UNTIL NOW.


Forgot to mention I saw this too

The Chocolate Ocelot's 2016 Fringe - Day Two

SATURDAY 6TH AUGUST 2016


Long day today with many many shows, so bear with.


Elsa Jean McTaggart: Sings, Strings and Other Things
Theatre 3 @ theSpace @ Surgeons Hall
Take songs that stop conversations, a voice that could stop wars and a fiddle that stops at nothing, and you have the icon Elsa McTaggart. The show consists of original compositions of traditional style... lively jigs, reels, hornpipes, airs etc, played on the fiddle and whistle.
The Ocelot says: She's like a lovely smiley middle-aged fairy. Plays fair decent electric fiddle and accordion though I always think that the accordion lends an unwelcome French tone to any tune played thereon (see the omnibus edition of Les Archers). Very happy and uplifting. 4/5 

Starship Osiris
Clover @ Underbelly Med Quad
Armed with a cast that despises him and a slim budget, actor, writer, and director George Vere endeavours to bring you his debut sci-fi masterpiece. An intergalactic comedy farce from Willis and Vere.
The Ocelot says: Sub-Trek space opera from Willis & Vere goes rapidly off the rails and off script amid directorial ego trip. Splendidly low budgets effects (binbag black hole into which the posturing Captain Harrison is sucked arse-first) and fast-paced farcical antics. A touch of The Play That Goes Wrong with a fuck-ton more swearing. Herself was roped into to delivering some lines when certain cast members had bogged off, which she did with verve and gusto. 5/5
Herself says: Captain Harrison's tights were so tight you could tell he wasn't circumcised.



A Little Bit of What You Fancy
Frooty Goose @ The Launderette
Sid Little's tell-all account of life in the shadow of a star. Hilarious but touching in all the right places. Sid will be signing copies of his Sid Something Simple album after the show.
The Ocelot says: I now know things about Eddie Large that nobody should ever know. On the other hand, Sid's unexpected rendition of Gangster's Paradise was a delightful revelation. 3/5

Jules Verne’s Extraordinary Voyages: 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea
studio 7 @ C venues – C nova
We know more about the Moon than we do about the ocean floor. Dr. Arronax, scientist and pioneer of underwater exploration, is determined to discover what secrets may be hidden beneath the waves.
The Ocelot says: One of three Verne stories being staged every days by Not Cricket Productions in the same space right at the top of C Nova (where we saw the Frontier Trilogy last year). Very very minimal set - some muslin sheets and back lighting, but excellent physical acting to convey being tossed about on the Nautilus etc. The character of Prof Arronax was gender-flipped which was fine, but the actress delivered every line with the same blinky grin and the simpering tone, whether she was commenting on the facilities of her cabin or pleading with Nemo for their lives. Nemo was jolly good, as was Farragut and Ned Land. The squid tentacle was unexpectedly hilarious. 4/5

Dracula
main house @ C venues – C too
There can be no redemption for Jonathan, no hope for Mina, while the Count draws near. With stunning physicality, Push to Shove’s wordless adaptation exposes the darkest desires of Dracula’s world.
The Ocelot says: Vastly cut-down (no dancing Van Helsings here) adaptation from The Lincoln Company with Push To Shove Theatre Company that worked very well. A slender, long-fingered young Drac spidered and slinked around the space, seducing Lucy, Jonathan and Mina in quick succession. Somewhere between physical theatre and dance. Sensual, sexual and pretty to watch. 4/5

Comedy in the Dark
The Old Foundry Room @ Just the Tonic at The Community Project
At Comedy in the Dark, the audience's senses are heightened – things look and sound different in the dark.
The Ocelot says: Hmm. Not so good. Started 15 minutes late with no clear management of queuing or ticket-tearing. It was just standard stand-up sets, but in the dark, not specially-planned material which is funnier in the dark. The MC was not good at generating the right mood and managed to tell a gag in between sets that was so long and tedious that a snore-heckle from the back of the audience put him completely off.  Lloyd Griffiths choir singing and encyclopedic knowledge of Anglican cathedrals was the only high point. 2/5

What the Funk?
Emerald Theatre @ Greenside @ Nicolson Square
Do you know your Green Onions from your Uptown Funk? We got the funk and it’s all here, played by Scotland’s finest eight-piece live band, Lights Out by Nine. The story of funk evolves from the roots of Hammond organ, through bass and brass, to timeless club favourites from across the decades.
The Ocelot says: Groovy funk and soul from a bunch of old white blokes. The only problem was that we wanted to get up and dance but couldn't. Oh, and the young American lady introducing each funky factoid between songs seemed to stumble over her script a lot and mispronounced the names of Sam and Dave, the Isley Brothers and Stax. And some persistent feedback and video tech problems which need sorting. 4/5

Joke Thieves
Main Room @ Laughing Horse @ Cabaret Voltaire
Comedy set swapping live! The cult hit show where comedians perform their own jokes, then each other’s.
The Ocelot says: Not bad, though very much dependent on how each comedian chooses to riff on their randomly selected comedian's material. Lanky Anglo-Frenchman Eric Lampaert did the best, stripping and doing a rubbish impersonation of Welsh comedian Kiri Pritchard-McClean which was as much self-mockery as it was a roast. A Scottish woman's take on Finn Taylor was less successful - just a summary of his material with unfunny put-downs. 4/5 

Dark North and Hungry Jane: Two Plays of Supernatural Horror
theSpace on Niddry St (Lower) @ theSpace on Niddry St
In Dark North, a television psychic discovers there are some spirits who should never be disturbed. In Hungry Jane, a woman, terrorised by the ghost of a young girl, enlists the help of her ghost-hunting former lover. Their troubles are just beginning…
The Ocelot says: The first tale from Slippery Rock Theatre was short but sweet with a spooky rocking chair and the ghost of a dead but very bitey baby. The second was too long and rambled with too many characters, although they were a good mix of the Addams family and the Endless. I liked the grumpy gothy girl. Dr Foot next to us slept through most of it - a reflection on his hard rock Fringe lifestyle more than the play though. 3/5

Quirky Incident
Had cheese sandwich and read comics in Greyfriars Kirkyard, but that's not the quirky incident. I was approached on no less than 5 occasions by different punters all over the city today, asking me for directions. This is a record even for me. Suspect my combination of faux-official lanyard, eye-catching purple jacket and commanding bearing just draws the lost and needy to me. Have so far directed people to Revolution bar on Chambers Street, the ticket office at Surgeons Hall and the toilets at C Nova. Come unto me and I shall guide you.

No, I don't know this man, but I swear he did this just to annoy me
PS
Herself just reminded me that we went to a nice Bohemian art fair at Greyfriars, took photos of a cross-stitched Groot and shared a nice scone.
And we ended the night slumped in a big sofa at C Nova watching crappy short films. There was one about cloning General Franco I think, though I may have been hallucinating by then.

Friday, 5 August 2016

The Chocolate Ocelot's 2016 Fringe - Day One

FRIDAY 5TH AUGUST 2016

Welcome to the Ocelot's 2016 diary of the Edinburgh Fringe. This could well be my last year here coz by golly it's an expensive and tiring week, so by all rights I should go out with a bang and blog the crap out of this festival with funny photos, pithy captions and snarky reviews, but I'm going to try and actually enjoy the Fringe this year and not devote 50% of my brain to 'how can I most amusingly present this quirky incident in my blog?' while everyone else is simply enjoying the show/getting drunk/drunkenly spoiling the show.

So here's a few encapsulated reviews of the shows we've seen today, for your information and entertainment. As in previous years, I may have slipped in the odd fake show for my own amusement.

Oh, and I may mention the odd quirky incident after all, coz I can't put the obsessive compulsion to journalise my every waking moment completely to rest.

Darktales
Pleasance One @ Pleasance Courtyard
A horror-thriller guaranteed to send shivers up your spine, reveals a dark rivalry between two men who share a disturbing past which ties them inexorably together; but whose truth is more real?
The Ocelot says: Good twisty turny horror-story within horror-story play, with excellent shabby lecture room set. PC Dave Quinnan from The Bill (that is his full and legal name actually) was jolly good as the greying old prof. I recognise the female actor from somewhere and will clearly have to do some serious cybermining to figure out where I've seen her before. 4/5
.
.
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Aha! Carrie Marx, for such is her name, was in Death Ship 666. Stamped and filed.

Lazy Susan: Crazy Sexy Fool
Bunker One @ Pleasance Courtyard
This ‘tender and ridiculous’ (Guardian) duo return to conjure rich worlds with sexy depth and smokin’ jokes. Oh boy! Foster's Comedy Award Best Newcomer nominees. As seen and heard on BBC Radio 4.
The Ocelot says: Excellent two-women sketch goodness, as in previous years. Loved the coke-snorting bears and the tiny pony Gary. Well done Celeste and Freya if those are indeed your names. 5/5 

The Confessional
main house @ C venues – C too
Gripping police thriller that will raise your pulse as it draws you to the edge of your seat. Smash hit Fringe NYC production influenced by David Fincher’s Se7en from Beyond Broadway.
The Ocelot says: Gripping psychological police drama, if a little overlong at 1 hour and 45 minutes. Blair Gibson was especially good as the prissy killer Prentiss, though the burden of the play fell on director/leading man Michael Hill-Kirkland as the police detective. 4/5

Mosley Harmless
Frooty Goose @ Mulligan's Winery
One-man show. Challenges the reputation of one of the nation's most maligned 20th century figures in this sideways, often side-splitting, look at British fascism.
The Ocelot says: Surprisingly slapstick. I enjoyed the puppet show recreation of the Battle of Cable Street. 3/5

Will Seaward's Spooky Midnight Ghost Stories 3
Wee Room @ Gilded Balloon Teviot
Edinburgh's favourite ghost-flavoured comedy storytelling show is back for a third year! Huzzah! And this time it's spooky beyond all imagining! Join Will Seaward on the stroke of midnight for more fear than you can shake a werewolf at!
The Ocelot says: I have no idea what this show was like. Last year when we went, I feel asleep in the middle of the show. In the front row. Two feet in front of Will Seaward. This year I have been sensible and turned in relatively early (though see the quirky incident below). Herself gives it 5/5

Quirky incident
We got completely soaked legging it along Cowgate from the Pleasance to C Too in the middle of a typical Edinburgh summer monsoon. That's not the incident though. The incident was when I managed to lose my lovely set of laminated timetable cards (henceforth known as the 'lammies') along the way, a tragedy I only noticed some hours later down at the Gilded Balloon, as I was 'enjoying' a rapidly cooling £4 flesh-parcel, or 'crepe' as they are sold under. 

So somewhat disconsolately, I bade Herself and CJ farewell and trudged back along the route we had taken earlier, my eyes trained on the pavement for the sight of four laminated cards and an evidently inefficient binding ring. No dice. I got all the way back to C Too (Columba's by the Castle) with not a sight of a scuffed white rectangle kicked into the gutter by Wee Bobby. C Too itself is all but dark and closed by then, save for a couple of young women who were taking tickets and running the snack bar earlier. They said hi. I sheepishly explained that I was 'uh, looking for some little laminated cards?' and they went 'oh!' and 'yes!' and 'wait here!'.

And wouldn't you know it, they had indeed found my precious lammies and had locked them safe in their little cabin where they do the snacks. Hurrah and calloo! I took a photo of them holding my lammies to celebrate. 



So thank you, Elizabeth and Kyoki (I think, sorry if I got your name wrong). You turned a bittersweet end to my first day here into an amusing and quirky incident with a happy ending. Kyoki even repaired the crappy binding ring with yellow tape, gawd bless her.

Wednesday, 15 June 2016

Five Great Final Shots In Horror Films

See the excellent Fletch Talks post for his original article which inspired your friendly neighbourhood Ocelot to compose this personal rundown of memorable horror film endings.

They may not be great movies or even good horror flicks, but by Hitchcock the last scenes stayed with me.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)

Fuck that shit.
So everyone's been replaced by pod people, dissolving away as sinister marrows grow into vege-humans as soon as their victims go to sleep. You snooze, you lose. Except for Donald Sutherland and Veronica Cartwright, who've learned how to fake the emotionless demeanour of the body snatchers. She sees him on the street and calls over to him. And then, and then, he points at her, opens his mouth wide and with a terrifying stare, emits a piercing inhuman shriek.

Seriously, sod that for a game of soldiers. No 12-year old child should have been allowed up late to watch that ending on telly. I blame the parents.

See also: The Night My Parents Came To Kill Me


The Fly (1958)

"heeelp meee,"
I knew the ending to the film long, long before I actually saw it with my own eyes, thanks to my dad and his best friend Dave, who would regularly entertain us kids on holiday with dramatic retellings of horror films they'd seen. Things like Psycho, Death Ship and the Arch Oboler audio classic The Dark (or as Dad and Dave usefully retitled it, Organs Hanging).

The ending to The Fly is this: the horrific, tragic scientist-with-the-head-of-a-fly is dead, released from its suffering by a hydraulic press and a concerned wife. Hey, we've all been there. But in the epilogue, Vincent Price and some other dude go outside and discover, trapped in an ordinary garden spider's web, a teeny tiny fly with the head of a man, trapped in silk with a dirty great spider bearing down on him.

"heeelp meee," it cries, in a tiny high pitched wail, "heeeelllppppmeeeee!"

Skip to 1:26:36 for the full horror


Unnamed movie from the 70s where the puppy has glowing eyes

Grrr. I want Schmackos. Grrr.
It's not Devil Dog: Hound of Hell (1978), it's not The Pack (1977), it's not Zoltan: Hound of Dracula (1978), or Dogs (1976) or Dogs of Hell / Rottweiler (1982). Christ, there were a lot of 'evil dog' movies back then. Hell, I don't know what it was called, but I do remember that all the dogs were under the control of a central hound of sinister intent. I think it was a doberman (then very much in vogue as the devil dog of choice) and that it had scary red eyes. In the final scene, the humans have triumphed - yay! - but then the camera zooms in on a lickle ickle doberman puppy WITH GLOWING EYES. The horror continues!

Actually come to think of it, it probably was Zoltan: Hound of Dracula.

See also Rosemary's Baby and the final shot of Michael Jackson's Thriller. It's all about the evil eyes.


The Creeping Flesh (1973)

Pete gives him the finger
So Professor Cushing finishes telling his tale of an evil prehistoric giant skeleton that regenerates when it gets wet, and how it menaced him and his daughter. Then the barred door to his 'lab' slams shut and we get the shock reveal that the prof is in a mad house run by Christopher Lee, his brother! Or is he his brother? And the prof's supposed daughter is just some crazy woman in another cell and it was all the ravings of a madman. Or was it? What about the prof's missing finger? The one that he claims the giant regenerating skeleton monster took to replace its own foul, amputated digit? Who knows?

I'm confused and scared all at the same time. Aaaah!


The Incredible Shrinking Man (1957)

Another giant spider menace. There may be a theme here.
I was going to go with the ending to The Awakening (1980), the remake of Blood From The Mummy's Tomb with Remington Steele's Stephanie Zimbalist where she gets taken over by the evil Egyptian queen and gets a hot makeover with Bo-Derek-in-10 hair, but I went with this one instead. Yes, it's more of a sci-fi like Body Snatchers and Fly in its mechanics I guess, but the feeling of sheer horror it gave the young me at the end is still palpable all these years later.

Having defeated his nemesis, a spider in the basement, poor inch-high hero Scott continues to get smaller, realising that he will keep on shrinking forever. Jeez. Apparently, thanks to the closing voiceover, Scott's cool with that, but I bloody wasn't. I was so traumatised by this downer ending that for years I was convinced that it actually finished with him starting to get bigger again. I must've rewritten the ending - with a more heroic Hank Pym resolution - in my head afterward.

Wednesday, 18 May 2016

Pause for thought

I think I had my first Menopause Bonding Moment last week, but I'm not sure.

My workplace is predominantly male, and of those females that are present, very few are over 40. Those that are tend to work in HR, catering and admin, and not the awesome hot-house of Science and Nerdery that is my department. Consequently the only (other) woman over 40 actually in my open-plan office of about 150 people is the nice admin lady who sits in the furthest corner of our floor. She is pleasant and friendly, though we've never had much of a chance to chat. I do know that she fraternises (sororises?) with her opposite numbers in the other offices; I've often seen what appears to be all the admin staff - that's to say, half a dozen middle-aged women - lunching together in a local restaurant, doubtless to discuss the travails of work and Life Outside Work.

But I've never have a chance to bond with any of them myself, until now. Maybe.

What happened was this. I happened to pass the Nice Admin Lady in the office one morning last week. I was a bit out of breath from rushing in late, and she may have seemed a little overheated herself. I think I probably made some sort of nonsense 'Phew it's a bit warm' comment, probably blowing my hair out of my eyes to punctuate the remark (What is that called, when you stick your bottom lip out and puff straight up your forehead? Does it have a name? I'm calling it fringe-puffing until someone comes up with something better). And she came back with something like 'Yes, it is warm, isn't it? It's probably just my age'.

And I thought, wait - does she mean she's having a hot flush? Is this a menopause conversation? Is that what we're having? OK, not a conversation, as it just consisted of one sentence apiece and a fringe-puff, but still. Had I just had my first Menopause Bonding Moment?

If I had, that begged the further question: did she say that because she assumed that I'm of the right age and gender to be a bit menopausal myself? Had I, for want of a less insecure term, passed? Was she automatically thinking 'That Nice Middle-Aged Ocelot over there is probably prime menopause material, much like myself. I will confide my hot flushiness to her'? That'd be cool, right? Her totally accepting me as the gender with which I present? Not so cool for her with the hot flushes, but still.

But wait a minute. Maybe I hadn't passed. Maybe she would have said the same thing to one of the younger women in the office, or the younger men? Maybe she's just the sort of person to overshare the every tick of their biological clock. Maybe I had just missed her confessing to one of the 20-year old grads in long shorts and an ironic Pac-Man t-shirt that she'd had a really good poo after breakfast. I don't know.

Or maybe she just confided in me on account of my being a friendly person who she thinks she can relate to, me being the only person even vaguely the same age and gender as her in the entire office. Maybe I should've come back with something supportive like 'Oh poor you, have you tried Menopace(tm) and a nice bag of frozen peas on the back of the neck?' (medical note: I know nothing menopause relief). Jeez, maybe even as we speak she's writing a blog about the unsupportiveness of that Not So Nice Middle-Aged Ocelot across the floor from her. I don't know. I can't know.

Or maybe she just made some bollocks up on the spot and was just saying it was hot. Apparently some people just talk nonsense and don't analyse the crap out of it later.

Gah! Why can't I know what she meant? I'm in neurotic trans-limbo here (note: first appeared in Giant Size Man-Thing #6, 1975). Am considering emailing her a post-encounter survey:

Dear Nice Admin Lady,

Thank you for taking the time to speak to me earlier. As part of my ongoing efforts to improve understanding in the office, I would be grateful if you could spare a minute to respond to this simple questionnaire.

When you said 'Yes, it is warm, isn't it? It's probably just my age', did you mean (select the response that most closely matches your feelings):

A   I did indeed feel warm, and I attribute that sensation to the onset of the menopause and thus tacitly imply that you too are biologically susceptible to this stage of maturity. Please join me and the rest of the ladies for lunch.
B   I simply felt warm on account of the weather rather than the menopause, and though I have correctly deduced that you are not susceptible to that condition yourself nor will you ever be, I am maintaining the illusion that you are biologically so susceptible, because I am a Nice Admin Lady.
C   I may or may not feel warm, but it seems appropriate for women of our age to make an ironic comment about the menopause. I liked how you did the fringe-puff.
D   I was just making some shit up to pass the time of day.
E   None of the above (please supply your own response in less than 50 words).

Yours,
The Ocelot



Sunday, 22 November 2015

The Thing in the Shrubbery

I wrote the following short story for Herself to read out (in abridged form) at the Dark Door: Ghost Stories larp this weekend. This is the full version.



The Thing in the Shrubbery
By DOROTHY VAN TASSEL

Hailing from Raleigh, N.C., Dorothy van Tassel is a regular contributor to WEIRD TALES magazine. Her published work includes ‘The Toads of Zhered-Na’,  ‘Captives of the Space-Kaiser’ and the popular ‘Brick Ridley, Detective Boxer’ series.



IT was early summer when I moved in to the old Belknap place, having taken a position at the prestigious university across town. The post came with a more than ample salary, affording me the opportunity to forego my customary habit of taking rooms in a lodging house in or near to campus. And so, though my possessions were few and my needs simple, I indulged myself by purchasing a property that was far more suitable to a family or at the very least married couple, with space enough for live-in help.

The Belknap place was a sturdy two-story house built in a style typical of the area some hundred or so years ago. Its wooden shutters and roof shingles showed signs of a little rot and were in need of replacing, and the walls were grimed with the decades-long growth of ivy and moss which had taken virulent hold of the building’s exterior, lending it a curiously organic cast, as if the entire structure had grown out of the hill on which it stood.

But the construction itself was sound enough, and the agent from whom I purchased the property assured me that such repairs as were necessary were no more than superficial. And as soon as I could arrange for electricity and mains water to be installed, I would be living like a country squire of old, up on the hill on the edge of town.

If truth be told, it was not the house that attracted me so much as the grounds in which it stood. The gardens had long since run wild with tall grasses, weeds and young trees, but the ghost of what it had once been was still visible to those with an eye to see. And as a keen amateur horticulturist, I could not help but speculate, even fantasize, as to what transformation I could wreak in my spare hours.

True, it would be long and back-breaking work clearing the scrub, re-laying lawns and trimming back the wild ivy that encroached upon the windows on every side, but the result, visible in my mind’s eye as an homage to nineteenth century design, would be more than worth the effort. The arbor and trelliswork would be restored, the ornamental beds replanted, and that thick, dark mass of shrubbery on the north side would be trimmed back to a more manageable and aesthetically pleasing proportion.

There was something about that shady shrubbery, that impenetrable thicket of thorns and tightly packed bushes, which seemed to suck in the light even in the noonday sun. It was tall too, reaching high above a man’s head, and deep enough to cover a barn-sized patch of the property, like a remnant of some antediluvian vegetation when vast forests covered the surface of the Earth long before Man arose to tame and cultivate the land.

Strangely, though the spring had been mild and summer yet to reach its peak, the shrubbery was in somewhat poor health. Even a cursory glance as I inspected my new surroundings showed its outer foliage to be dry, brittle and spotted brown, as if fall had already arrived, or some parasite taken hold. I resolved, when time permitted, to revive that darksome plot of vegetation to its former glory and made a note to test the quality of the soil and drainage.

Had I only known, had I but sensed by some preternatural power that some claim to possess but which has ever eluded me, that the source of the shrubbery’s ill-kempt condition was something far stranger, far more malevolent, than any mundane plant disease.

* * *

WITHIN a couple of weeks I had moved myself in, occupying the more habitable rooms on the second floor while repairs were made downstairs by two local handymen, brothers by the name of Japhet and Gomer Rudge. They were a taciturn, brutish pair, barely speaking to me from the moment they arrived each morning to their departure as the sun set, and no more than grunting at each other in a debased form of English that I had heard spoken by the older families in the area. Still, the Rudges did a decent enough job of working on the old place, though more skilled tasks like running electrical and telephone wires up the hill and replacing the ancient oil lamps that hung on every wall I would need to leave to specialists, as and when the basic structural repairs were completed.

In the meantime I busied myself at work, getting used to the bustle and thrust of university life, and spent the long summer evenings in my new gardens, hoe or fork in hand, hacking at the overgrowth, trimming back climbers, digging up weeds, and steadily amassing a sizable heap of trimmings which I resolved to burn once it had dried out. I relished the opportunity to use my hands, to make those first crucial steps in recapturing the former beauty of the Belknap place.

The work was as much a restoration as it was a simple gardening project. As I trimmed back the grass on one side of the house, I discovered an old patio, long overgrown and covered by a layer of dirt and old vegetation. When cleared, it proved to be a delightful stone veranda laid in alternating pink and white, where a man might entertain friends for a summer soiree, or sit upon a cane chair and survey his land, pipe in one hand and a glass in the other. Elsewhere I unearthed the edges of long-abandoned rose beds, stumps of once great elms and maples and even a small herb garden, now grown wild and chaotic with errant sweet parsley and dogthyme.

As the grounds were gradually cleared and the accumulated greenery of decades of neglect was uprooted, sawn, pruned and ultimately transferred, barrow by laden barrow, to my ever-growing heap, I began to see ever more vividly what the gardens once had been, and could be again. Neat lawns with ornamental beds of rose, stepped terraces and sun traps, shady arbors and dappled trellises. It would take time, years even for some of the plants I had in mind to truly settle in, but it would be worth it.

Fortunately there appeared to be little or no animal infestation on the property, save insects and other small invertebrates. No molehills were to be found, nor the telltale signs of rat, mouse or other vermin in and around the house and gardens. Indeed there was precious little evidence of birds making the most of the ample roosting opportunities either in the eaves of the neglected roof or even in the boughs of the surviving trees. I thanked my stars that I would not have to contend with pests any larger than greenfly as I labored in my grand endeavor.

If I had but thought more deeply on that seemingly innocent stroke of luck. Had I but examined the curious absence of animal life from the Belknap place!

* * *

BY mid-July, much of the basic garden work had been accomplished, largely by my hand alone. I had on occasion dragooned the terse Rudges into some of the heavier tasks, such as sawing logs, heaving stumps out and holding the ladder steady as I carried out some long overdue lopping of branches, but on the whole they seemed reluctant to spend much time on such outdoor activities, preferring to confine themselves to the immediate environs of the house itself. I put this down to some innate aversion to gardening; perhaps they saw it as woman’s work, or else simply favored laboring on their own rather than mixing with the ‘master of the house’ as I amusingly thought of myself. To be sure, I had noticed they acted ill at ease while assisting me outside, muttering darkly under their breath as they worked and hastening back inside as soon as I had no further need of them.

I also noticed that the brothers trudged up the rutted path to the house with heads held low every morning and fairly hustled back down the selfsame route each evening, though they had been hard at work all day. It was odd that they kept so assiduously to the path, for it wound back and forth several times, the better to accommodate the approach of horse-drawn carriages long since gone. It would have been simpler for them to have cut straight down the north side of the hill to the lane and be on their way home. But for whatever reason, perhaps a respect for the future flower beds and bushes with which I planned to line the slopes, they avoided the more direct route, dominated by the darksome shrub that I had yet to address.

So it was that when the time came to approach the looming shrubbery, shears in hand, I was quite alone. It seemed even taller up close, thick and wiry with years of unrestrained growth. Clearly it had grown far beyond the original owner’s intentions and I resolved to cut it back a good yard or so all round, the better to see in what state the shrubbery as a whole might be, and what could be salvaged from it. I set to work with vigorous intent, pruning carefully at first, then with increasing enthusiasm as I settled into a sort of rhythm, steadily accumulating a great ring of trimmings as I worked around the shrub in a circle. Thorny twigs and stems gathered at my feet, snapping neatly between the shears’ stainless steel blades.

It was a strange plant, one that at first bore a resemblance to some strain of hawthorn or Himalayan cotoneaster, but where one would expect to see tight clusters of small red berries, this instead bore hard, dark brown nutlike pods, as if there hadn’t been enough rain to sufficiently water the plant into fully fruiting.

Yet that could not be the case, for elsewhere in the gardens the weeds grew in lush abundance, there being no shortage of rainfall this year. But here the great shrub seemed, as I had noticed earlier, quite dry and brittle. Even the surrounding earth was hard and cracked, leeched of all moisture. Drainage could have been the culprit, but looking again I saw that the gardens both above and below the shrub were green and well watered. No, there was something else at work. Some yet-to-be identified factor that had sucked the vitality from this sorry patch of land.

Panting with exertion, I stepped back to survey my work, my boots crunching on brittle twigs. The shrub looked neater now, its edges trimmed to a uniform depth, but the revealed growth was if anything less healthy than the outer layer that now lay in heaps on the earth. More twisted, thorny twigs, matted even tighter, and where the outer shoots had a semblance of greenness to them, these had leaves that were more brown than verdant, and bore clusters of those curious nutlike pods that were even more wizened. On closer examination, they caught the sunlight in a such a way as to resemble tiny pea-sized shrunken heads, echoing the savage practices of certain uncivilized tribes of the Amazon. I pocketed a cluster, thinking to show them to a colleague who taught botany at the university. Perhaps he would be able to identify this strange shrub, and could recommend a remedy for whatever ailed it.

I peeled off my thick leather gardening gloves and was about to return to the house for a welcome glass of lemonade when the afternoon sun’s rays shone on the dark thicket. Deep within, far, far out of reach, something caught the light. There was a suggestion of shape, of outline, that did not match the surrounding wiry growth. Something dark and solid. Any more than that I could not tell, even though I leaned in to getter a better look, pushing the stems aside as best I could, unconscious to the tiny pinpricks the thorns were inflicting on my exposed palms.

Pressing into the shrub like this, the sun’s heat diminished almost entirely. I felt a chill along my face and forearms, and my fingers almost prickled with cold even in the height of summer. The shape deep in the heart of the shrub remained an indistinct something far beyond my grasp. I shivered involuntarily, seeing my breath misting before me, and became aware that my hands had gone a little numb. With a heave I righted myself and stepped back out of the shrub, my clothes snagging on the pricks as I withdrew. The lowering sun felt welcome against the exposed skin and I turned gratefully toward it, feeling warmth restore feeling to cheeks and fingers.

I collected the shears and gloves and returned to the house, feeling the icy presence of the shrub at my back, the nape of my neck almost prickling with the chillsome memory.

* * *

I chose to avoid that part of the garden for more than a week, telling myself that I should concentrate on the restoration of the herb garden and rose beds, but in truth the incident had unnerved me more than I cared to admit to myself at the time. Of course I had not shared my experience, not with friends and certainly not with the brutish Rudges, though in hindsight I can believe that they sensed a change in my demeanor; a certain lessening of my enthusiastic zeal for the grand gardening project that even they could not help but notice. I caught them muttering conspiratorially more than once in the days that followed, beetled brows furrowed, thickly muscled necks inclining their heads to that part of the grounds that they so determinedly avoided. I did not think to engage them on the matter, as much a victim of our mutual social gulf as I was reluctant to put into words that which I had experienced, for fear of giving substance to my creeping discomfort.

It was by chance that I wore my old gardening jacket to the university one day, and came across the nut-pods that I had pocketed with a thought to identifying them. My spirits somewhat restored in the intervening period, I sought out my botanist colleague Danvers and showed him the desiccated samples.

“Strange,” he said, squinting at one of the tiny brown pods, his spectacles on his forehead as was his custom, “This appears to be a distant cousin of the hawthorn as you surmised Farley, but these pods are like none I’ve seen growing in these climes. A transplant, no doubt, in all likelihood brought from overseas by the original owners.”

“From where?” I asked my friend, proffering the suggestion that it was some sort of Himalayan strain, perhaps used to higher altitudes and thinner air.

He rubbed his chin, considering, then turned to consult the shelves of botany books behind him. Danvers pulled out a great leather-bound volume from a lower shelf and heaved it onto his desk, scattering term papers. Humming to himself, with me at his shoulder, he quickly leafed back and forth through the old pages, flicking past sketch after sketch of plants, until at length he came across the one he was after.

“There,” he proclaimed, stabbing the page with an ink-stained finger.

I craned closer to look at the drawing of a wiry, thorned stem bearing small nutlike pods, identical to the sample I had showed him. The long-dead artist had even caught the suggestion of shrunken head in those wizened pods, like tiny cartoon faces caught in mid-shriek.

Crataegus monica, also known as Monk’s Hawthorn, among other names,” began Danvers, reading from the text. “It’s extremely uncommon in this region, though some examples are said to survive in areas where the early colonists settled. Presumably they brought them over for some reason, though it doesn’t say here what for. Clearly it wasn’t for fruit, or any medicinal property that I can see. And it certainly wasn’t for its decorative value!”

He laughed at his own joke, but seeing my troubled face, trailed off awkwardly.

I thanked Danvers for his time and promised to bring him over to the Belknap place, once it was in a fit state to receive guests. He asked to keep the samples that I had brought him, so that he might do a little more digging in some of the university’s older texts as time allowed. I was grateful that my friend had showed interest in the curious plant and yet at the same time, the information he had uncovered only served to raise more questions. Why would anyone bother to bring such an unlovely, seemingly purposeless plant over the ocean? Monk’s Hawthorn, he called it. A strange name.

* * *

BY August the house was in a decent enough state that I could entertain, and I wasted no time in inviting a few select acquaintances to join me in a light supper. With fresh floorboards, newly papered walls, thick rugs and worn but comfortable furniture scavenged from a variety of house sales and antique stores, the refurbished dining room, living room and study were all handsomely fitted out and I felt a quiet pride as I welcomed my fellows from the university into the hallway.

The evening passed most pleasantly, with the good food and illicit brandy serving to loosen all our tongues a little more than normal. Frank opinions on absent colleagues flowed, often followed by raucous laughter, and the atmosphere of comradeship filled me with conviviality.

As night fell, my guests made their farewells and departed, leaving just myself and Danvers, lounging in well-worn armchairs. He brought up the subject of the shrub.

“So where’s that damned strange bush of yours, old man? I’d like to get a look at it with my own two eyes.”

Emboldened by the occasion and not a little brandy, I rose to my feet and led him out onto the north side of the house where, flashlight in hand, I indicated the dark mass of the shrub a little downhill from us. Some trace of hesitance lingered though, and I made no move to venture any closer in the twilight. But Danvers paid this no heed and stepped forward, peering into the gloom.

“Come on and bring the flashlight up. I can hardly see a thing.” He gestured to me without looking over his shoulder as he approached the shrub, cursing once as he stumbled slightly on the uneven ground.

Reluctantly, I followed, the carefree mood of my fellow lending me courage, though I dared not admit the unnameable fear I had begun to feel whenever I drew close to this dreary patch.

In the darkness, the shrub was an indistinct mass, its upper and outer edges trailing off into the night so that it occupied my vision entirely. Slowly, I brought the beam of the flashlight up to illuminate the thicket rearing up mere feet before us. The great curve of its shorn stems, trimmed so enthusiastically by myself not so long before, gave it the impression of a mighty wave, frozen in the instant before it would come crashing down upon our heads.

Oblivious to my disquiet, Danvers began to poke about in the nearest part of the shrub, urging me to bring the light in closer. He had an academic’s natural inclination toward lecturing, and I drew close to him, the better catch his muttered commentary.

“Hm, yes, definitely crataegus monica, as we presumed,” He had twisted off a few twigs and was examining the nut-pods and thorns up close. “It’s a hardy, if unlovely, strain. Doesn’t need much in the way of tending, just the bare minimum of sun and water, and really any sort of soil will do, which is just as well. Look at the earth here!”

He stooped to scratch around at the edge of the growth, scooping up a handful of dry chalky dust which he proceeded to rub between his fingers. “Completely barren, not an ounce of nutrients. This shrub is probably the only thing that could grow here, given the poor conditions. But given the size of it, it must have been planted decades again, certainly last century. Hello, what’s that?”

Danvers, still squatting down, peered deeper into the thicket as the beam of my flashlight wavered around. He gestured for me to hold it steady and leaned in, his nose almost brushing the brittle foliage, unconsciously mimicking my selfsame actions from my own first encounter with the shrubbery. I made to hold him back, but my hand hesitated inches from his shoulder, and with some embarrassment I shoved my hand into a pocket to keep it from shaking.

“Farley, there’s something deeper in, can you see? Blasted hard to see without more light.” His hand emerged from the thorns and held it out, palm up, in mute request for the flashlight to be passed to him. I complied and now I was left in darkness as fractured illumination waved around inside the hedged growth.

He had his entire head and shoulders deep in the thorny growth now, the mass of entangled stems quivering and rustling as he used his hands to pry them apart, straining for a clearer view. From my vantage point behind, I could see nothing but Danvers’ rear end, protruding almost comically from the wall of vegetation in the blackness.

“Danvers, perhaps –” I began, my inexplicable disquiet overcoming my usual reticence, but my colleague didn’t hear my soft words, such was the thrashing noise he generated in his efforts to crawl in. His body wriggled further in, leaving only the soles of his shoes clear of the shrub, and then even they disappeared.

“Yes, I can definitely make something out. It’s a few more yards in. Must have been swallowed up as the crataegus grew over the decades.” His voice was muffled now, not just by the sound of his own movement, but as if the plant matter itself was soaking up his voice. He sounded much further off than the scant distance he had crawled in, as evidenced by the fragmentary flashlight flickering inside.

“By God it’s chilly,” he muttered, “when did it get so cold?” Despite my nervous state, the August evening air was quite pleasant where I stood, but I recalled my own sense of chill within the shrub and again my agitation grew.

“Danvers, I really think you should come out now. The thorns are quite sharp. Let’s leave this for the morning.”

“Nonsense,” came the reply as if from far away, “I’m almost there now. It’s probably nothing but an old tree stump or –”

His voice cut off as abruptly as the thrashing of the growth caused by his passage. I felt a wave of cold envelope me, as if it were the outbreath of some frosty spirit. I heard Danvers mutter something indistinctly, though it sounded like a question. Then he screamed.

* * *

I remember little of what took place immediately after that. I think perhaps I must have pulled Danvers out, given the many cuts and scratches over my face and hands and my torn clothing. Somehow I must have overcome the atavistic instinct to flee the second he began that terrible screaming, and had instead thrust myself into the shrub in his wake, guided by his shrieks and the madly careening beam of the flashlight. Though this is all surmise, for in truth I recall precious little until I had dragged his poor form out onto the dusty earth and continued to heave his weight all the way up and into the house, where I collapsed panting and drenched in perspiration.

Danvers lay in a terrible condition on the hallway rug. He was covered in blood from long, deep scratches inflicted by the bush’s thorny stems, much as I myself had received, and looked ghastly pale under his wounds. His skin was cold as ice to the touch and his breath came fast and shallow, misting as he exhaled. But worst of all was his face. Eyes that did not blink bulged fit to pop, and his jaw hung agape in a rictus of utmost horror. He would not speak, nor did he respond to me in any way.

Eventually I summoned the strength to lurch over to the newly installed telephone in the study. I summoned help from the faculty’s physician across town and before long help had arrived to spirit the stricken Danvers and myself away to the university hospital for treatment.

When pressed to explain the source of the calamity, I found myself unable to answer with anything but the vaguest of replies. Perhaps I had been afflicted with a degree of the hysterical muteness that had so struck my poor colleague. A natural reaction to the bloody shock of the evening, perhaps. My feeble response that he had ‘fallen downhill into some bushes’ which I had then pulled him out of hardly did justice to the extent of his injuries, nor did it explain the awful state of shell-shock that had been induced in the botanist. But evidently my own muttered replies and haunted expression were enough to suggest that I was in no fit state to answer any further questions this night, and I was duly given a sedative. Before long I slipped into a mercifully dreamless sleep.

* * *

I was declared fit to leave the hospital the next day, superficially battered but nothing that wouldn’t heal in a week or two, or so the doctor assured me. Danvers however was a different matter. His wounds too had been treated and his severe blood loss addressed, but his underlying state of mind was little better come morning. When they allowed me in to see him, the man appeared to have aged ten years overnight. His face was haggard and sunken, his hair thin and starting to gray. It was as if that damn shrubbery had sucked the life out of him, much as it must have done to the very soil on which it grew.

Mercifully though, he had regained some semblance of his wits, though he still did not speak. His eyes, though retaining that wide haunted stare, at least blinked now, and my friend obviously registered my presence at his side. As I looked on him with dismay, his lips began to move.
I could hear nothing, and had to bend in close.

“Book,” he whispered in my ear, little more than a quavering breath, “fetch… book.”

Listening carefully, I extracted from him the name of some old botany text which I promised to have sent over from his rooms. I hoped that returning to the familiar pages of his beloved subject would give him some peace of mind and so speed his recovery. For my own part, I foresaw no restoration of equanimity until I had dealt with that loathsome shrub on the northern slope of the Belknap place. I would not spend another night there with that malevolent growth squatting on the hillside. I would have it expunged down to its roots.

* * *

THEY took some coaxing, but eventually I was able to engage the Rudges to destroy the shrubbery. At first they flat out refused, then, when I pressed them, they suggested a ridiculous estimate for the work; an estimate which I met, heedless of the cost, much to their surprise. Finally, with the additional offer of a sizeable quantity of alcohol, they grudgingly agreed to the work, on the strict understanding that they would be done and away from my property long before sundown. I shook each of their meaty hands gratefully and led them up the hill to begin immediately.

They worked slowly but steadily, urged on by my constant prodding. I dared not leave the brothers to it for fear of them slacking and leaving the job half-done. I shivered inwardly at the thought of being left alone with that darkling shrub come nightfall. I would well be rid of it, and already began sketching out plans in my head to replace it with a pleasant lawn edged with hardy but decorative native flowers.

As the brutish Rudge brothers continued to hack away at the great bush with saw and axe, I carted away the refuse to the heap of trimmings that had been accumulating all summer. By now it was a great mound of dead vegetation, tinderbox-dry and well suited to my plans to dispose of the wicked thicket once and for all. I deposited load after barrow-load on top, piling it high with twigs and stems from the shrub. In the bright daylight, the lengths of thorns and nut-pods looked quite mundane, little more than old brown twigs. One could almost believe there was nothing strange, nothing malevolent at all about this shrub, this Monk’s Hawthorn. Perhaps I had imagined much of what I had felt, the victim of my own fanciful conjurations. The chill could have been just the coolness of the shade after all, those mischievous faces in the nuts a mere trick of the human mind’s ability to give meaning to the random fruits of nature.

But Danvers’ screams, and his face – no, I could not dismiss those memories so easily. Something foul was at work here, and that shrub was the rotten heart of it. Academic I may be, but a deep primitive sense, such as might have guided our forefathers to shun certain remote places and bolt their doors against queer visitors after dark, told me that I was right; evil had bedded down in the gardens of the Belknap place, and if I was to make it truly my home, then it would have to be torn out, and burnt down to the roots.

As midday moved into afternoon, I saw that the Rudges had done well. The shrub had already lost a good portion of its bulk on one side as they hacked and hewed it down. I realized that at this rate we would have the heart of the damn thing cut down well before evening came, and resolved get the bonfire going at once.

* * *

THE heap crackled merrily, blazing with a glad intensity as it consumed the dead off-cuts. Eagerly, I shoveled more into the flames and marveled at how quickly it ignited, yellow tongues of fire fairly racing along the length of each stem, the nut-pods blackening and popping open with tiny pops of air, the thorns resisting longer but inevitably succumbing to the furnace. I stood back and admired the bonfire with satisfaction, then turned to once more urge the Rudges in their work.

To my dismay, I saw that they had stopped work and were sat down some distance from the remaining shrub, which now looked as if some giant had taken a great bite out of it. They mopped perspiration from their heavy brows, and made it clear in simple terms that refreshment would be welcome about now, as agreed. Irritated by this cessation of their work but powerless to budge them until I complied with the terms of our agreement, I went inside to fetch some cheap bottles of beer from the bottom drawer of my desk in the study. When I returned outside, they fairly snatched the drinks from me, cracked lips smacking with thirst. Slugging back mouthfuls of the stuff, Japhet assured me that he and his brother would now certainly be able to get the job done in time, and the two resumed their chopping with gusto.

As I stepped back inside to refresh myself, I started at an abrupt trilling sound from the study. It was the telephone. So caught up was I in the great undertaking at hand, it had taken me quite by surprise. I snatched it up and answered. It was Danvers.

“Farley, listen quickly, I haven’t much time.” His voice was weak but insistent, and I heard much of my friend’s old self in his tone, though he was clearly agitated.

“Are you out of hospital already?” I inquired, “When I saw you this morning I was sure the doctors would have you confined to bed for at least a week.”

“I’m at the university library. The doctors wouldn’t let me leave but I had to find something out.” There was an energy to his voice, an insistence as he rushed through the words. “Listen, that book you had sent over earlier, it was an old compendium of plants and their uses, dating back centuries, as much folklore as botany. I’d never give it much credence before, but the shrub, what I saw…”

He trailed off, and I could hear another noise on the telephone line, thumping and muffled shouts, as if from behind a door. The thumping mirrored the steady chock-chocking of an axe outside, and I glanced out of the study window to see the Rudges deep within the shrub, great swathes of chopped brush piled behind them. Soon they would have the heart of that bleak bush cut out and piled on the still crackling bonfire.

I didn’t ask Danvers what he saw, fearful of what he might say, but instead pressed him about the book.

“Monk’s Hawthorn, that’s just one of its names. It has other, older names, going back to the middle ages. Names like Witchbinder.”

I didn’t understand.

“The book says that Witchbinder is a poor plant, bearing neither fruit nor flower, save for its hard nut-pods that have faces like old men. But it is a long-lived and sturdy shrub, and its densely packed thorns make it ideal as a sort of hedge-enclosure.”

“For penning livestock, you mean?” I couldn’t see where he was leading with this lecture, but clearly there was a purpose, for he began to speak ever faster. I could hear the banging on the line getting louder, and I was sure I heard voices shouting his name.

“No Farley, you don’t understand. The Witchbinder was planted by folks in the old days to keep out evil. They grew it as a safeguard against… things.” The emphasis on the last word was unmissable, and again I couldn’t help but wonder what it was he had seen last night. “Witches, devils, creatures from the dawn of time – the Witchbinder kept them out. And in some cases…” Again he trailed off with a catch in his voice. I heard something click on the other end of the line. Something metallic, mechanical. “Sometimes they planted it on top of things, Farley, things that couldn’t be killed, only trapped.”

In an instant I understood what Danvers meant. The truth of the shrubbery.

“I worked out the growth rate of the shrub, Farley. They must have planted it over two hundred years ago. Two hundred years it’s been there. The shrub’s not an evil growth, it’s a prison. And the prisoner – it’s been trapped inside all that time – not dead, waiting! Waiting to be freed!”

In horror, I turned my head to look out the study window once again. The Rudges were no longer in view, and the chopping sound had ceased.

“I – I saw it. In there. It looked at me, Farley, looked right at me. My God, what a terrible thing.”

The shouting on the line was a little clearer now. They were calling Danvers’ name, pleading with him to open the door.

“I’m sorry. I can’t keep seeing it in my head. I just can’t,” his voice was so close to the telephone now. “Whatever you do, do not go into that shrub. Leave it alone, leave it alone. Goodbye old man.”

There was a loud crack on the line, followed by a heavy thud. I dropped the receiver.

Stunned, I looked outside. I could see something lying over the great pile of trimmings which had formed the mighty shrub’s bulk, its armor, its shield between the world of men and things that should not be. I realized I was looking at the body of Gomer Rudge. He appeared to be missing his lower half. Of his brother, there was no sign.

Numbly, I saw that the earth by Rudge had been disturbed. It was torn up, as if by something heavy and jagged, and formed a filthy dirt-strewn track or a trail of sorts, leading from the deepest recess of the shrub, across the lawn and over the pink-and-white patio to the house. I let out a shuddering breath. The window pane misted.

There was a scratching at the study door behind me.


END