Doctor Who the morning after: season 8 episode 1

I watched the new Doctor Who episode Deep Breath with the new old Doctor Who last night. This morning I wrote down what I remembered of it:

SCENE: A tyrannosaurus rex is stalking around in Victorian London.

VIEWER A:

Hurrah! A T-Rex! And it looks brilliant, just like in Walking with Dinosaurs!

VIEWER B:

What's it doing?

VIEWER A:

I don't know. Just sort of walking up and down.

VIEWER B:

Dinosaurs are great. I hope they get it right this time, not like in Invasion of the Dinosaurs or Dinosaurs on a Spaceship. They were rubbish.

VIEWER A:

Mm, it's still just walking up and down the Thames. A bit like the Skarasen.

VIEWER B:

Oh. Is it doing anything else?

VIEWER A:

Mainly challenging our preconceptions of gender.

VIEWER B:

It's been thirty seconds since the story started. I need familiar faces!

VIEWER A:

Hurrah! It's Madam Vastra and her wife and Strax.

VIEWER B:

Yay! Victorian Lesbian Samurai Silurian! Hero in a half-veil!

VIEWER A:

What's the wife called?

VIEWER B:

I have no idea. It doesn't matter.

VIEWER A:

Strax makes me laugh.

VIEWER B:

Oh look! It's the TARDIS! Covered in KY!

VIEWER A:

Why does it look so shiny and flimsy?

VIEWER B:

And here's the new Doctor! And whatsherface. The one after Amy. Quirky Smirky Pixie.

(The mandatory post-regeneration comedy schtick ensues. Everyone kind of forgets the dinosaur.)

SCENE: Victorian Lesbian Samurai Silurian HQ. Some rubbish dialogue about bedrooms.

VIEWER B:

Why are Vastra and Quirky Smirky Pixie arguing?

VIEWER A:

I don't know. I think it's called character development.

VIEWER B:

I think they're just trying to tell us that it's OK for the Doctor to be old.

VIEWER A:

Where's the dinosaur?

VIEWER B:

It's over there. Way in the distance, as if they've run out of CG.

VIEWER A:

What's it doing now?

VIEWER B:

Still just walking around in the middle of London. Not being shot by the army's cannons or anything.

VIEWER A:

That's rubbish - they could have had an artillery captain called Lethbridge or something.

VIEWER B:

Oh look! The dinosaur's caught fire! Way over there in the distance. Can't really see what's happening though.

VIEWER A:

Oh.

SCENE: The DOCTOR runs away in a nightshirt. He talks to a horse and gallops off.

VIEWER B:

Why is the Doctor bouncing up and down on the horse in those medium shots, but hardly moving at all when it's a close-up?

VIEWER A:

Probably something Timelordy. Or Horsey-Worsey. Best not to ask.

SCENE: Everyone arrives at the scene of the burning dinosaur. Which we can't see for some reason.

DOCTOR:

Oh you humans. You are rubbish. Splosh.

VIEWER B:

Has he jumped into the river?

VIEWER A:

I think so.

VIEWER B:

Why didn't they show us? Or the burning dinosaur?

VIEWER A:

I have no idea. Anyway - look! There's a sinister Victorian gentleman in a tall hat!

VIEWER B:

Ooo! Richard E Grant! I like him! Oh no, it's just some bloke with half his face missing.

SCENE: The Doctor spends a lot of time in an alleyway with an old man.

VIEWER B:

What's happening?

VIEWER A:

Nothing. The Doctor's talking about his eyebrows a bit.

VIEWER B:

Why is this scene still going on?

SCENE: Back at Victorian Lesbian Samurai Silurian HQ.

Quirky Smirky Pixie has taken time out from her frantic search for the addled Doctor to pour herself into a nice Victorian gown and do her hair up in little curls. Just to remind us that if there's one thing the BBC can still do alright, it's period costume.

Strax says something funny ending in 'Boy'.

Quirky Smirky Pixie and Vastra argue again probably and challenge our preconceptions of gender/race/sexuality/marriage/reptiles.

Vastra is all superior and the Pixie does a quirky smirk. Then they work something out to do with a newspaper.

SCENE: A restaurant. The Doctor is smelly. He and the Pixie argue.

VIEWER B:

What are they arguing about?

VIEWER A:

I think they're trying to give her a character to make her different from Amy and the others. Apparently she's a control freak.

VIEWER A:

She is different. She's brunette. They haven't had one of those for ages.

(It turns out everyone else in the restaurant is sort of clockwork. Some very slow peril ensues.)

VIEWER B:

Could they not just run past them? They seem very slow.

VIEWER A:

Apparently not. The Doctor is quite old looking.

VIEWER B:

He's not old! Well he is, but he's been old for ages, even when he was Matt Smith! Hasn't this story told you anything?

(The Doctor and the Pixie obligingly get caught by an evil restaurant booth from Live and Let Die and end up in a Dark Spaceship set.)

VIEWER B:

Pity. I was hoping for the old Dalek spaceship 'woomp-woomp' sound effects.

VIEWER A:

Nah, they wouldn't shoot their bolt quite so early and do the Daleks straight away. They're probably resting them for this series because they've been so overused.

(The Doctor and the Pixie look at some rubbish automata and fail to work things out, though the Doctor does suggest that this all looks familiar.)

VIEWER A:

Rubbish robots with human faces that come off! It's Four To Doomsday!

VIEWER B:

No, it's a ship from the dawn of time - it's Earthshock!

VIEWER A:

But the rubbish robots are sort of clockwork. Maybe it's - gasp - the Celestial Toymaker! The Who revival we've all been clamouring for!

VIEWER B:

Ah no. Clockwork plus organ theft. It's just the dudes from The Girl In The Fireplace.

VIEWER A:

They were quite scary in that.

VIEWER B:

These aren't.

(More slow peril ensues. The Pixie holds her breath a lot, like in Mr Vampire.)

VIEWER B:

Cowabunga! It's Vastra and the gang, armed with awesome samurai swords and blasters!

VIEWER A:

Why are they getting overwhelmed by the slow rubbish automata?

SCENE: The Doctor and the main rubbish robot are now in a balloon made from human skin. They talk a lot about being human probably.

VIEWER B:

If there's all this mild body-horror plot with skin and T-Rex optic nerves, why am I not freaked out?

VIEWER A:

I think because they keep saying and not showing, even though it's now getting on for 9pm.

(Slow peril continues for Pixie and the Victorian Lesbian Samurai Silurian gang who have failed to chop/blast the rubbish robots into little pieces.)

VIEWER B:

Look! The main rubbish robot has fallen from the skin balloon onto the top of Big Ben! Hurrah!

VIEWER A:

But did he jump or was he pushed by the Doctor? Ah…

VIEWER B:

Oh I see what you're saying - is the Doctor naughty or not? Ah…

SCENE: The Doctor takes off in the TARDIS and leaves the Pixie behind. The Pixie puts on her old clothes. The Doctor comes back. They talk. Matt Smith phones her from the past and tells her it's alright and can he please look after the new old Doctor as that is going to be her character as well as being brunette.

VIEWER A:

What's this? An epilogue?

VIEWER B:

Oh goody! I hope Nick Fury turns up!

VIEWER A:

No, it's the main rubbish robot and an old woman called Missy.

VIEWER B:

She looks like Mother Nature from the Tampax ads.

VIEWER A:

I think she's the arc-plot villain. Maybe she's recruiting a League of Anti Doctor Baddies to gang up on him.

VIEWER B:

I think she's the Master's wife. Missy, Mistress, gettit?

VIEWER A:

Shut up. Anyway, here's the next episode teaser. Oh, it's the Daleks.